In 2005, tweets were just the sounds that birds made in childrens’ picture books.

Also the sound that whistles made in comic books. Now, a tweet can be the darkest message from the most unwell minds instead of a watercolor bluejay trying to do a mating call.

But this morning, step away from Twitter and into our newsletter, where we’re going to try to ruin your mind in a brand new way.

Espresso Shots

☕️ Bitzlato? 🤔 💣

The Department of Justice announced they were holding a press conference to cover what was supposed to be an “International Cryptocurrency Enforcement Action.”

Crypto panicked. We all wondered who was next, which books were fraudulent, and which well-known firm was going to be the next FTX.

Turns out, the subject of the investigation was… Bitzlato? They supposedly have $700 million in illicit funds, but they had only $11,000 in customer wallets at the time of writing and literally 1,400 followers on Twitter.

Though Bitzlato is a decidedly small-time player, the press surrounding the investigation shows that in the wake of FTX, the DOJ is all hands when it comes to crypto crime.

But if the DOJ is focusing on such tiny and insignificant institutions, we fear that it’s only a matter of time before they come for our hope and self-worth.

☕️ Pensions Exposed to Genesis Bankruptcy ❌ 💰

Genesis, which you’ll remember from their recent debacle with crypto exchange, Gemini, has filed chapter 11 bankruptcy due to their dual exposure to both Three Arrows Capital and FTX.

But this bankruptcy has implications far beyond Genesis.

Van Eck, a global assets manager, had $35 million of the Fairfax County, Virginia’s County Employees’ Retirement System as well as the Fairfax County Police Officers Retirement system invested with Genesis.

Van Eck is currently embroiled in a suit against Genesis to retrieve $53 million total funds.

Virginian coal miners could be heard coughing a sigh of relief that their pensions were untouched.

☕️ Gold Fever Puts Gameplay First ⚱️🎮

Gold Fever, a Web3 game, has approached crypto-incentive gaming with a truly unique approach:

What if the game was actually fun and engaging to play?

Gold Fever is a video game in which players take on the role of turn of the century treasure hunters as they brave a virtual jungle full of deadly wildlife and hostile indigenous tribes.

The gold earned in the players’ adventures is converted into NGL, their native token. But rather than play-to-earn, the game’s overall effect is an enjoyable and enriching experience that just happens to reward you with cryptocurrency.

Though no word so far if Gold Fever will let players chomp their native tokens between their teeth to check their veracity. 

Spilling the Beans

The Worst (Lamest) Twitter Thread of All Time

There have been a host of allegations against Sam Bankman-Fried. Personal, professional, and most famously, criminal.

But somehow, even more so than the American legal system bringing the hammer down on the wunderkind once-CEO of FTX, there hasn’t been a dialogue that has quite captivated us like Brett Harrison’s twitter thread.

Brett Harrison was president of FTX US until last September, when he stepped down after only 18 months on the job.

It came as a surprise, but Brett Harrison was ready to spill on the tea as he took all of us for a wild ride on his 49-tweet thread.

Brett Harrison had an incredibly… turbulent relationship with SBF, a relationship that he recounts in his tweets that oscillate between a Hitchcock thriller and a Nicholas Sparks novel.

Here’s our warm, friendly, business casual intro.

And then Brett Harrison goes and falls in love, or as he calls it “endeared.”

But their romance would not last. As Harrison started to notice the cracks in the integrity at FTX, he began the process of trying to distance himself personally and professionally from Sam. And that’s when he saw a whole ‘nother side of the scary nerd.

SBF simply wasn’t who Harrison remembered. And it gets worse from there. In addition to all of the very substantial charges levied against SBF, we can now add gaslighting to his rap sheet.

There are a lot of tweets here, so we’re gonna give you some important summary.

Essentially, Harrison intended to make a formal, written complaint about the behavior of SBF and the upper-level execs at FTX and FTX U.S.

When SBF caught wind of this, he threatened to professionally ruin Harrison. Harrison doesn’t dictate exactly what those threats entailed, but it was apparently enough to keep him silent until now.

Now, with deranged day trader SBF behind bars, it seems very safe to speak out. In fact, becoming one of Sam’s detractors seems to be the cool, if not slightly uninspired, thing to do.

Harrison finished up by making it incredibly clear that he’s not seeking a plea deal and at no point was he part of the collusion going on at FTX.

And then, like a middle school girl pretending she’s an accepting an academy award, Harrison concluded his tirade by thanking all the little people.

Meanwhile, Sam Bankman-Fried is responding by frantically scrapbooking a burn book of the chubbiest photos of Brett Harrison from sleep-away camp.

Meme of the Day

The DOJ & Bitzlato:  

The Last Sip

The DOJ has announced three more “International Cryptocurrency Enforcement Actions” as they investigate:

Who keeps walking on the grass in that one section of the park? It clearly says “Keep Off The Grass” and they’re crushing the new sod!

Which of my roommates keeps eating dry fistfuls of my Frosted Flakes?

Who put all those filthy sites on my browser history? It was probably just a pop-up, but I’m almost certainly the victim of cyber crime.

Stay Caffeinated,

Coffee & Crypto Team

That's all for today! If this email got you hooked on our unhinged crypto takes, be sure to get a full dose on Twitter @GetCoffeeCrypto.

If you find yourself smiling at any of our dumb jokes, or even *learning* something - make sure to share this newsletter with your friends!

If you get 10 friends to sign up - or even enemies, we don't care - we'll send you a swag box with some epic Coffee & Crypto merch! Just hit the Click to Share button in the section below to get started!

DISCLAIMER: None of this is financial advice. This newsletter is strictly educational and is not investment advice or a solicitation to buy or sell any assets or to make any financial decisions. Please be careful and do your own research.