In the words of the immortal Eminem, “‘till we collapse we’ll be spilling these raps as long as you feel ‘em, ‘till the day we drop you’ll never say that we’re not killing ‘em.”

But what if some of the largest crypto firms collapse before we do? Then who will spill the raps? Tune in to find out!

Espresso Shots

☕️ NFT Sales Up 38% 📈 🐒

NFT Sales are up 38% from December, defeating market nay-sayers.

Much of this may be due to the release of Yuga Labs’ Sewer Pass, an NFT-linked Web Game that lets you guide your Bored Ape on a speeder through a system of poorly rendered tunnels.

The Sewer Pass caused Bored Ape Trading to jump a whopping 45% in the past 30 days. But they’re not the only ones.

Azuki has been up 89% over the same period, as well as Art Blocks at 62%, and DeGods with a 113% rally.

Could it be? Has degen season finally started to bloom? 🌸

We’re expecting a Feetpix rally as lonely bachelors turn to their monitors as the cold months of cuffing season press on.

☕️ Steve Aoki and Seth Green Let Audiences Decide 🗳️ 🎥

In a recent collab with Shibuya, a Web3 video design platform, actor Seth Green and musician Steve Aoki are teaming up on a stop-motion NFT short.

The film will feature a collaborative production process that allows the NFT holders to decide the outcome of each scene before it's filmed.

Seth Green is also still trying to make his Bored Ape Show despite the fact that his main NFT was very publicly stolen and he had to very publicly whine for its return.

Shibuya is helmed by Emily “Pplpleaser” Yang, a digital artist who has previously admitted that, “content in Web3 right now is just bad.”

Now, to make good content, they've assembled the perfect formula: a digital artist, an EDM guy, and some of the voices of Family Guy. This could be interesting.

But look no further than the British Navy Vessel, “Boaty McBoatFace” or the horrifying results of Mountain Dew’s 2012 “Dub the Dew” flavor poll contest to see what happens when you put the masses in charge of your narrative.

☕️ SBF Fully Barred From Contacting FTX Employees ❌ ☎️

Yesterday, a decision was reached preventing Sam Bankman-Friend from contacting FTX or Alameda Employees or using encrypted messages to do so.

This came after SBF’s attempts to reach out to a potential witness using Signal, an encrypted messenger app.

Both legal teams will be allowed to make appeals or argument against this measure in a bail modification hearing on February 7th.

SBF’s parents are still confused by the hand-scrawled notes all over their house and recently-installed coop of passenger pigeons on their roof, a species that were supposed to be extinct.

Spilling the Beans

Which Crypto Collapse Rules Them All?

Well, when we’re talking crypto collapse, FTX is the firm at the tip of everyone’s tongues.

But of course, they’re not unique in their destruction, especially not in the devastation that was the 2022 crypto market.

FTX’s collapse likely made the most headlines but Celsius and Terra Luna also wrought epic destruction, even if they weren’t as star-studded as FTX.

So, which of these collapses was truly the worst?

First and foremost, let’s recap, starting with the now bankrupt lender, Celsius.

Celsius and FTX have recently been linked for an astounding detail: both of these multi billion dollar firms were using Quickbooks for the majority of their accounting.

Now, we’re not here to knock Quickbooks, but that software is a better fit for a beachside crab shack or payroll for a minigolf course than the accounting nexus for billions of dollars of crypto.

Now, Celsius, which bankrupted in 2022, is back in the conversation again. Why?

Because of an exciting development regarding the customers who lost money in their Celsius custody account.

As of a court announcement this week, users who lost funds with Celsius will be informed of their eligibility to begin withdrawing those missing funds.

We say this with a couple caveats.

First, those users that got burned are only going to be able to withdraw 94% of their funds. They’re still getting back the lion’s share, but it’s usually better to lose no money.

Supposedly, the rest of the funds will be doled out at a later date.

Secondly, like us, you’re already thinking about what this sort of utility would look like for helping customers who got burned in the FTX crash.

Admittedly, Celsius’s customer funds problems are on a much smaller scale than FTX.

Celsius’s balance sheet had only $1.3 billion unaccounted for, as opposed to the $8 billion in missing funds at FTX. And ultimately, Celsius has only had to pay back $44 million in assets to those customers affected.

So far, the FTX bankruptcy team has only been able to recover $5 of that missing $8 billion from FTX. Even just working with the tentative timeline established by Celsius, it may be years, if ever, until the FTX customers are repaid what they lost.

So, which of these firms wins the flame covered trophy? Which is the worst crypto collapse of all time?

Well, in terms of raw collateral damage, it might be neither… That trophy belongs to TerraLabs.

TerraLabs had two main tokens: UST - an algorithmic stablecoin always meant to be worth $1 USD and LUNA, a token used to stabilize UST.

In May of 2022, the UST stablecoin lost its $1 peg, and in a matter of days, the entire enterprise came tumbling down.

The collapse of TerraLabs, UST, and Luna is still the undisputed GOAT of crypto collapses, with $40 billion lost in the initial implosion and $300 billion in total resultant losses across the crypto space.

Well, wasn’t that a light and fun deep dive? At the very least, we hope it’s a helpful perspective.

Crypto is largely in its infancy, and collapses like at this scale have been happening for a very long time in traditional financial markets. Crypto was bound to have a few of its own.

On the bright side, even after everything that happened in 2022, it’s 2023, and we’re still here! Better yet: crypto is on the climb.

Join us next week when we’ll find out which jungle sinkhole has the highest number of animal bones.

The answer may surprise you!

Meme of the Day

It was the best of times it was... no it actually was the worst of times.

Crypto 101

Hodl: A common, intentional misspelling of the word “Hold.” It’s as a sort of in-language in the space to let other crypto users know that they’re not giving up or selling their positions.

Hodl is often used as a point of pride, while the fearful might be selling, the brave might loudly proclaim: “HODL!”

The Last Sip

If Seth Green and Steve Aoki are going to team up to bring us entertainment, here are some other projects featuring Austin Powers cast members paired up with famous EDM “musicians.”

• Mike Myers & Skrillex Present Sock Puppet Theater

• Cooking with Rob Lowe and D.J. Tiesto

• A Seance with the Ghosts of Verne Troyer and Avicii

Stay Caffeinated,

Coffee & Crypto Team

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DISCLAIMER: None of this is financial advice. This newsletter is strictly educational and is not investment advice or a solicitation to buy or sell any assets or to make any financial decisions. Please be careful and do your own research.