Some paths can lead you to unbelievable riches.

Hard work. Talent. A combination of both. Or maybe it’s just raw luck, and you shot an oil well while hunting rabbit.

But there are also darker paths, where crypto’s most notorious villains tread.

And we’re wondering how they’re doing! Today, we’re checking in with the most infamous characters in crypto, to see if crime really does pay.

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Espresso Shots

☕️ Bitcoin Post-Mortem 🪙 ⚰

Bitcoin experienced a staggering drop last Friday from a massive $1 billion sell-off.

Bitcoin has since nursed its wounds, hovering at roughly $26,000.

As happens after any great catastrophe, speculators are wondering why this happened — and who’s to blame.

Accusatory fingers are being pointed at Elon Musk’s SpaceX, for unsubstantiated claims that the company engaged in a massive bitcoin sell-off on Thursday.

Alternatively, some are suggesting the Bitcoin drop may have been caused by the bankruptcy of Chinese property giant Evergrande, bolstering fears about China’s economic health.

But much like the clogged toilet at our 2011 Thanksgiving dinner, it doesn’t matter who the perpetrator was, it only matters that we set things right.

☕️ OpenSea Ends Creator Royalties 💵 🎨

OpenSea, the world’s leading NFT marketplace, had decided to end its creator royalties program, drawing widespread criticism.

Mark Cuban, billionaire and sometimes shark, took to X (formerly Twitter) to air his disdain.

And Cuban’s disapproval should be particularly cutting, considering he participated in the initial seed funding for OpenSea.

Additionally, Yuga Labs, the firm behind the Bored Apes collection, has decided to sunset compatibility on OpenSea for its NFTs.

It would appear that OpenSea is about to experience the sunset of the dawn of the planet of the apes.

☕️ Exactly and Harbor Double-Hack 🚢 🔍

Two Defi protocols, Exactly and Harbor, were simultaneously attacked on August 18.

An astounding 4,323.6 ETH ($7.3 million) was stolen from Exactly. Of that, 1,490 ETH was then bridged using the Across protocol. The remaining 2,832 ETH was bridged using the Optimism protocol.

Harbor released on X that it lost funds sitting on its stable mint, as well as funds drained from a series of vaults.

Harbor is still trying to actively trace and regain the funds and has yet to release an official statement regarding how much was lost.

At this time, the two attacks appear to be unrelated, and the timing was merely a coincidence.

But unfortunately, unlike the last surprise attack on a harbor, this event most likely will not result in a national holiday or a movie with Ben Affleck.

Spilling the Beans

The Wolves of Digital Wall Street 💰 🐺

What’s the point of becoming super-rich if you’re just going to end up in jail?

And we’re not talking just comfortably wealthy … think Scrooge-McDuck rich.

You can enjoy swimming in your pool of gold coins for a while, but it’s only a matter of time before the city comes after you because, it turns out, your treasure trove was improperly zoned.

As they say, power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.

And that may be the case with some of crypto’s most notorious characters. Did they fly so high that they thought they were untouchable?

Well, it turns out that they could very much be touched by the long, unforgiving arm of crypto law enforcement.

And now that justice is… slowly being served. We thought that now was as good a time as ever to check in on crypto’s death row.

And, of course, we’re going to start with the one who got more limelight than anyone…

Sam Bankman-Fried

The former CEO who almost single-handedly brought on the collapse of FTX. The Santa Claus of Crypto Winter, if you will, has actually been treated pretty gently by the American penal system.

That was until he started talking to journalists and releasing sensitive documents from his parent’s house in California.

Yes, SBF leaked former Alameda CEO Caroline Ellison’s diary to the media. Ellison is also SBF’s ex-girlfriend and we’re certain Sam’s behavior is entering “toxic ex” territory.

SBF’s behavior convinced his judge to remove his cushy bail conditions and send him to jail, as he was convinced a gag order wouldn’t be sufficient to prevent SBF from talking to reporters.

We have a distinct feeling that SBF won’t be so inclined to blab when he’s sitting for cross-examination.

Do Kwon

We can’t forget the international fugitive and man behind the collapse of Terra Labs and the Luna debacle.

Like all great international fugitives, the story isn’t over until he’s caught in an unexpected region, and Do Kwon did not disappoint. Do-Kwon was captured in Montenegro using a fake passport.

But how’s he been doing since then?

Well, Do Kwon was sentenced to four months in a Montenegrin jail.

His bail was approved and then revoked, and then considered again. But Do-Kwon’s fate surely won’t end in Montenegro, as the local government considers extradition arrangements with both the U.S. and South Korea.

Hopefully, Do Kwon’s months-long stay in Montenegro, while his criminal trial is figured out, will give him time to have his Carmen Sandiego hat and trench coat dry cleaned.

Changpeng Zhao

CZ is our most interesting and controversial inclusion on this list, because none of CZ’s potential, criminal activities, have been proven… yet.

But things look pretty bad. From a regulatory standpoint, Binance.US is under fire for being a very non-compliant branch of a supposedly U.S.-compliant company.

Beyond just urging U.S. customers to jump ship to Binance international, CZ and other Binance top executives face allegations of commingling customer funds, wash trading, and even using those misappropriated customer funds to purchase an $11 million yacht.

Now, Binance has been kicked out of country after country, it seems that the exchange’s troubles are not relegated to the US alone.

But what’s going on with CZ? There are currently 13 charges being levied by the SEC against Binance and CZ.

Will any of them stick? Was CZ a rushed inclusion on our list of crypto’s most notorious figures?

It remains to be seen if CZ will qualify as a true Wolf of Crypto Wall Street, but if you’re already illegally purchasing yachts, relax, you have nothing left to prove.

Now, if there’s any takeaway from the examination of this rogue’s gallery, it’s that crime does pay. Really well. At least, for a while. But is it sustainable at the highest levels of finance? Absolutely not.

And remember, these are financial crimes, not violent ones. That means that even with the harshest, theoretical sentencing, none of these men will spend the rest of their lives in prison.

No, they probably won’t ever be crazy rich again, but they can always make a decent, honest living doing post-prison speaking engagements after their respective Biopics are released.

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Top 10 Cryptocurrencies (Excluding Stablecoins)

☕️ Our Take:

Meme of the Day

The good days may be behind them, but they’re way more entertaining to watch now. 😂

Crypto 101

Sunsetting: In business and in crypto, this is the intentional termination or phasing out of something.

Sunsetting can apply to the end of an agreement, brand, or collaboration, such as the compatibility between Bored Apes and OpenSea.

The Last Sip

Today, we gave you a rundown of crypto’s greatest villains, but how would normal villains feel about crypto?

3. Mr. Freeze: Ice to meet you, what if that cold wallet was frozen?

2. Le Chiffre: If you remember the Albanian banker that cries blood in “Casino Royale,” you also know that this guy would be so bullish on Web3…. if the movie didn’t take place in 2006.

1. Satan: When the devil isn’t urging James Gunn to make more Marvel movies, he already spends all of his time manipulating the price of Bitcoin.

Stay Caffeinated,

Coffee & Crypto Team

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DISCLAIMER: None of this is financial advice. This newsletter is strictly educational and is not investment advice or a solicitation to buy or sell any assets or to make any financial decisions. Please be careful and do your own research.