We’re coming off the holidays and we don’t know about you, but we’ve been abusing our bodies relentlessly. Our blood content is still roughly 15% heavy cream, bourbon, and sugar cookies.

The return to work has us fumbling for another bottle of holiday cheer. But wait! Let’s all put down our collective vices and get an all-natural, heady rush from the crypto news of the day.

Espresso Shots

☕️ Wonder Twins Face Off With Genesis 👯‍♀️ 🤺

As the suit against Gemini and the Winkelvoss twins lumbers forward, those $900 million in Gemini customer funders still remain MIA.

Cameron Winklevoss, remembering, “the pen is mightier,” penned an open letter to Barry Silbert, CEO of the Digital Currency Group, the company that owns Genesis.

Here’s the full letter:

And here’s our favorite lines:

“Every time we ask you for tangible engagement, you hide behind lawyers, investment bankers, and process…” wrote, Cameron Winklevoss.

“The idea in your head that you can quietly hide in your ivory tower and that this will all just magically go away, or that this is someone else’s problem, is pure fantasy.”

Ivory towers? Magic? Fantasy? The last time an angry letter had this many Tolkien buzzwords was when my cousin Terry wrote that racist hate mail to Amazon about the casting in The Rings of Power.

☕️ Bitcoin Developer Robbed 💰 🚨

Luke Dashjr, who claims to be one of the longest running Bitcoin Core Developers, was hacked on New Year’s Day.

Somehow, the hacker got access to Dashjr’s cold wallet and made off with 200 Bitcoin worth around $3.6 million.

Dashjr, though believing his Twitter was also compromised, took to the website to ask for help from the FBI. It was not the FBI, but Binance’s Changpeng Zhao who came to the rescue.

CZ guaranteed Dashjr that if Binance were able to track down the funds, “we will freeze it.”

Our sympathies go out to Dashjr at this tumultuous time, but weirdly enough, that’s also how we lost our phones, wallets, and pants on New Year’s Day. We were, uh, hacked.

☕️ Web3 for Artifact Preservation 🔍 📜

Our beautiful friend, Web3, is demonstrating a new talent as a potential refuge for historical documents threatened by war.

This new movement is being led by Black History DAO, who are actively trying to preserve African texts.

The effort was ignited back in 2013, when many of the Timbuktu manuscripts were destroyed by Islamist rebels.

There was an attempt to save the Timbuktu manuscripts, but the project failed because of the centralized nature of the backup.

Theresa Kennedy, founder of Black History DAO and one of the first “crypto anthropologists” believes decentralization will make all the difference in protecting these artifacts.

“Instead of having one entity holding custody or getting to it, per se, we are creating a system to solve the problem of lack of place,” said Kennedy.

Historians have already suggested that if the Library of Alexandria was backed up on Web3, we might still know where Atlantis is.

Spilling the Beans

Can Crypto Stay Dry This January? ❌ 🍻

Dry January. Sober-October. We’re all familiar with these fads by now.

If you’re not, it’s the concept of flirting with a sober lifestyle for a month, whether that’s for mental health, weight loss, or exhaustion.

Maybe alcohol has become your enemy and you need to seriously reevaluate your relationship.

Regardless of the motivation, these months of sobriety tend to go out with a whimper rather than a clear-headed bang. The best of sober intentions can be entirely undone by a bachelorette party, break up, or a long day at work.

But this January, we’re hoping that Bitcoin can bring us the kind of stability that so many of our friends and neighbors have failed to maintain for a month.

Will this be Bitcoin’s Dry January? Can Bitcoin surprise us all?

The start is ah, not so good.

Both Bitcoin and Ethereum dropped 1.5% in the last week of 2022. But this drop seems paltry compared to Solana and DogeCoin which dropped 17% and 11%, respectively.

But what does January have in store for Bitcoin? Will it hold fast or succumb to the devil's drink?

Well, there are a variety of factors to consider and crypto winter looms large.

But if you’re looking for answers to the future, we’ve always found it’s best to delve into the past.

January of 2018. Bitcoin was down 29%.

January of 2019. Down 6%.

January of 2020 was a good one. Bitcoin was up 32%

January of 2021 Bitcoin rallied at 17%. But ‘21 was a very special time for Bitcoin, eventually trading at an all-time high of $69,044.77.

All-in-all, it’s a mixed bag.

If we see major drops this January, we’re going to have to chalk it up to crypto winter and the continuing fallout from FTX contagion.

But as you’ve seen historically, a dark winter means there’s going to be a balmy spring.

Don’t panic just because your crops are frozen. There’s a thaw a’comin.

And if Bitcoin beats the odds and rides high this January, well, hey, better for us!

But ultimately, Bitcoin, your market value isn’t the most important thing to us. It’s that you stay sober.

We’re all cheering on the Bitcoin train. It’s the Little Engine that Should (not drink).

Meme of the Day

"Hi, I'm Bitcoin. I suppose I've been pretty up and down recently."

The Last Sip

If Dry January isn’t your style, here are a couple other crash courses in self-help that may be of use.

3. Buy a Peloton: You won’t regret it.

You’ll cruise down the virtual French countryside as you develop a problematic, one-sided relationship with an enthusiastic trainer who doesn’t know you exist. After about a month and a half you’ll never touch it again.

2. Go Keto: Just imagine enthusiastically going Keto now, in 2022, about five years after this fad diet hit its zenith. 

Nobody will be sure if you’re being deeply ironic or if it’s a cry for help. If you really want to screw with your friends and coworkers, tell them you just discovered Atkins.

1. Frontal Lobotomy: The procedure that did wonders for Rosemary Kennedy’s ADD could do the same for you. 

Side effects include some loss of motor function, drooling, and a constant look of bliss. There’s no better way to reset your mind than removing a large chunk of it.

Stay Caffeinated,

Coffee & Crypto Team

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DISCLAIMER: None of this is financial advice. This newsletter is strictly educational and is not investment advice or a solicitation to buy or sell any assets or to make any financial decisions. Please be careful and do your own research.