This is a historic day for Coffee & Crypto, this is our very first newsletter featuring the poop emoji. I know, right!?

For a coffee-themed newsletter, you would have thought it would have come a lot sooner. Also need to clear up that coffee is a diuretic and that word doesn’t mean what you think it means. It means having to pee.

Anyway, if we start with potty humor it can only go up from here, right? Let’s exit the bathroom and head into the news.

Espresso Shots

☕️ Twins Ditch Twins 👯‍♀️ ❌

The Cock Foster twins will be leaving Gemini to start their own venture.

Duncan and Griffin Cock Foster, the founders of Nifty Gateway, an NFT Marketplace that was purchased by Gemini, are parting ways with the exchange to start their own business.

“This journey has been an incredible ride, but Griffin and I are founders at heart and we want to start another company,” Duncan Cock Foster wrote, “We ended up staying the max amount of time we originally thought possible.”

The split seems amicable, as the Cock Foster twins are staying on as advisors to oversee their transition and have heralded the Winkelvoss twins as “visionaries.”

Sorry, we’ve been giggling while we write this entire section. Looks like today’s going to be a very lowbrow newsletter. Cock Foster!? I mean, c’mon! And you thought that the Winklevosses were the funniest named twins in crypto.

☕️ Bitcoin Jesus Won't Pay ⛪️ ✝️

Roger Ver aka Bitcoin Jesus, who earned the title as one of the earlier adopters of blockchain and a hardline crypto evangelist, says he won’t pay his debt to now bankrupt exchange, Genesis.

Ver says he has enough money to pay a $21 million debt to Genesis, but that he shouldn’t have to pay under the stipulations of their agreement.

“I have sufficient funds on hand to pay Genesis the sums allegedly owed, and I’m happy to pay what I actually owe,” said Ver.

“However, Genesis was required by our agreement to remain solvent– as Genesis can’t ask its clients to play a ‘heads clients lose, tails Genesis wins’ game.”

And now that Genesis is looking… pretty insolvent. Bitcoin Jesus doesn’t feel obligated to attempt any financial miracles.

Reportedly, Genesis Interim CEO Derar Islim has stated that if Bitcoin Jesus continues this line of rhetoric they’ll have to treat him like the real Jesus and absolutely crucify him.

☕️ New Solutions for Crypto Security 🔐 🚨

The devastation wrought by FTX has developers racing to innovate a better crypto.

But it’s an almost impossible task when everyone is simultaneously crying for a reform with more transparency and more security.

But the answer may lie in a developing tech, Zero-Knowledge Cryptography.

Zero-Knowledge Cryptography consists of transaction systems that allows multiple parties to be certain that one party has the asset or information they’re selling, without disclosing sensitive information.

Zero-Knowledge solutions may be crucial to ongoing decentralization, allowing exchanges to safely, transparently, and securely verify data.

I just wish my college counselor had known about this. He would have understood that my SAT results weren’t “low test scores” but a result of my “Zero-Knowledge.”

Spilling the Beans

TV's Crypto Hater 📺

You’re probably still wondering which celebrity we’re coming for.

Who’s full of shit? There are so many potential candidates.

Lena Dunham’s take on race? Joaquin Phoenix believing that cows should vote? Alec Baldwin’s love for realistic prop firearms?

No, remember, this is a crypto newsletter. So, while there are countless awful takes to choose from, we’re going financial.

In fact, this guy may be one of your parents’ (most likely your dad’s) favorites.

Jim Cramer from Mad Money.

Cramer has been on air for 18 years, on CNBC, trying to help regular Americans achieve financial literacy and better understand the stock market.

“For years I have been trying to help people like you, who own stocks and feel like they’re on the outside looking in, become better investors."

"My job is not to tell you what to think, but to teach you how to think about the market like a pro,” reads the intro to Jim’s Cramer’s book, Mad Money Manifesto.

And in recent years, Cramer has amended that initial mission statement, moving from just stocks. To stocks and crypto. That’s where we come in.

“The outside looking in,” is an interesting sentiment from Cramer. Because though he positions himself as a Wall Street insider who’s going to clear things up for the little guy, when it comes to crypto, Cramer is still very much an outsider.

Despite that, Cramer has admitted to owning and investing in crypto time and time again.

In September of 2020, he encouraged buying Bitcoin instead of gold, and he’s continued to double down. He even famously used Bitcoin profits to buy a farm.

Mid last year, in the midst of crypto’s turmoil, Cramer once again described himself as a believer in crypto:

“I can’t tell you not to own crypto; I own ethereum,”

In that same interview Cramer says he would never discourage someone from investing in crypto, because he believes there are fortunes to be made there.

Now, for those who’ve watched Cramer’s Mad Money over the years, it shouldn’t at all be a surprise that he flip-flops’ and gets things wrong.

Even still, this may be his worst flip yet. In December of 2022, Cramer proclaimed: “I would not touch crypto in a million years.”

At the time Bitcoin was worth about $16,500 and he proceeded to encourage investors to sell all the crypto they have saying: “it's never too late to sell an awful position. And that's what you have if you own these so-called digital assets.”

After Cramer’s remarks, many in the crypto community declared that it was finally time to buy Bitcoin:

And of course, the most comedic part of this entire story is that if you had done the opposite of Cramer’s instructions, you’d be up nearly 40% on your investment, with Bitcoin sitting above $23,000.

And now, Cramer, having already flip-flopped, has been doubling down once again, saying you can’t trust the markets.

Cramer is calling Bitcoin’s climb a bull trap that’s all about to come crashing down.

But why should we trust a “financial guru” who has been historically very wrong?

One Twitter user who goes by Inverse Cramer has been tracking all of Cramer’s advice and doing the opposite. And strangely enough, it seems to be working.

So what is Cramer’s urging investors to do instead of buying crypto? Well, he’s decided to… pump gold?

“You need to ignore the crypto cheerleaders now that bitcoin’s bouncing. And if you seriously want a real hedge against inflation or economic chaos… you should stick with gold. ” said Cramer on this past Monday’s episode of Mad Money.

We prefer Mark Cuban’s take on gold vs. crypto.

Cuban went on Bill Maher’s podcast last December to call gold investors, “dumb as fuck.”

“If everything went to hell in a hand basket and you had a gold bar, you know what would happen?” said Cuban. “Someone would beat the fuck out of you or kill you and take your gold bar.”

Some investors will defend the security of an investment in gold because it has inherent value. But, like crypto, that value is ascribed by society.

Sure, gold is fashionable when it comes to engagement rings or warlords’ gold-plated AK-47s.

But it just takes one word from Neil Lane and all of a sudden steel engagement rings are in fashion and those AK-47s just become, well, kitschy but functional machine guns.

Taking it all in, we’ve decided not to start hoarding gold. Instead, we’re listening to the righteous, contemplative anger of crypto, and we’re hodling.

Meme of the Day

We knew he reminded us of someone!

The Last Sip

Or as we’re calling it today: The Last Sipper.

With Bitcoin Jesus running around proselytizing and refusing to pay debts to major exchanges, where are our other crypto messiahs? Doesn’t seem very inclusive.

As we move toward the end times, we’re looking forward to seeing the second coming of:

• Metaverse Muhammed

• The Decentralized Dalai Lama

• Web3 Wickens

• Binance Buddha

• Ethereum Earth Spirits (Paganism)

Stay Caffeinated,

Coffee & Crypto Team

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DISCLAIMER: None of this is financial advice. This newsletter is strictly educational and is not investment advice or a solicitation to buy or sell any assets or to make any financial decisions. Please be careful and do your own research.