It’s December 5th and there’s one holiday on everyone’s minds!

That’s right. Today is World Soil Day. Go get your hands in some mulch and plant some damn saplings.

When you’re done with that, come back inside for some real dirt on crypto.

Espresso Shots

☕️ SBF Tells Congress: Maybe Later 🤷‍♂️ 🇺🇸

In response to a Twitter invitation to testify in front of Congress from Rep. Maxine Waters, SBF is, “not sure,” he’s going to make it.

SBF’s noncommittal response has certainly caused a stir, but some seem fired up by the bizarrely friendly tone Waters used to invite a potential criminal to testify.

You would hope that the House of Representatives would have better means of communication than just publicly asking for a visit on Twitter, but, alas, this is the hellish timeline we’ve all been born into.

Some speculators believe that SBF is messaging Waters directly with texts such as, “Work’s been crazy,” “Lmk who’s there,” and, “omw” despite not yet showering or even opening the Uber app.

☕️ Armstrong Strong Arms SBF 💪 💰

Brian Armstrong, the CEO of Coinbase, took to Twitter on Saturday to call out Sam Bankman-Fried and his integral role in the FTX nightmare.

Armstrong went on to say “it’s stolen customer money, plain and simple.”

Armstrong’s comments are in response to a recent Bloomberg interview in which Bankman-Fried claimed the missing $8 Billion in assets were simply "misaccounted." 

Admittedly, it’s nice to have one of the largest CEO’s in crypto call out SBF’s bullshit, instead of all of us just thinking it.

While Brian Armstrong is quick to call out the “gullible,” he has yet to comment on the fact that most of Coinbase’s holdings are in magic beans.

☕️ The Fall of the Apes Cinematic Universe 🙈 🎥

Coinbase announced it has put a freeze on its “Degen Trilogy,” a series of short films starring the Bored Ape Yacht Club NFTs.

The first film was released last July and well, nobody liked it.

Though clearly intended for a crypto audience, the first film was criticized by NFT fans and the mainstream alike for its inane story, barely utilized Bored Apes, and an extremely long credits sequence.

“We are constantly evolving our content strategy and have decided to pause production of the remaining two films while we identify the best path forward for the creative,” said a Coinbase spokesperson, 

This news follows the cancellation of Westworld and the announcement that there won’t be any more Fantastic Beasts movies. Maybe, just maybe, there’s a glimmer of a hope that companies will stop producing expensive projects that are stupid and bad.

Spilling the Beans

Crypto Jews... A Well Kept Secret 👀

The last few weeks have held host to a concerning amount of discourse around Jews - thanks in large part to Kanye West’s incredibly public mental breakdown. 

Much of this discourse has been around how powerful and scary Jews are - and some even pointed to Sam Bankman-Fried as an example. 

And so we here at Coffee & Crypto decided to introduce you all to a new term: Crypto Jew. 

So, what exactly is a Crypto Jew?

Probably not what you think. First of all, we’re not about to tell you that Jews created crypto, are holding most crypto, or are using the blockchain to control the weather.

In fact, Crypto Jews long predate crypto itself. 

A Crypto Jew or Crypto-Judaism is simply a Jewish person hiding their faith out of necessity. Which has happened. A lot. 

This term was invented during the Renaissance, when Jews were forced to hide their beliefs in order to escape torture at the hands of the Spanish Inquisition.

These Jews would worship in secret while publicly claiming to be Christian or whatever faith was safest in that region.

Unfortunately and famously, the 14th and 15th centuries were not the only rough time to be a Jew. 

Crypto-judaism became widespread during the Soviet rise to power in 1917 and then a couple decades later it became really popular in Europe. 

Historians aren’t sure why, but the Nazi party may have had something to do with it.

Can you think of other times it was scary to be Jewish? Feel free to shout it out. There are no wrong answers!

Also the Holocaust was real! Crazy that we even need to say that. We were joking about the reasons for Jews hiding during WWII being unclear. You got that, right?

There are a staggering number of Holocaust Deniers in America. In fact, only 45% of Americans are aware that approximately 6 millions Jews were killed. 

15% of Americans actively believe that number is much smaller and was exaggerated. If you were to ask them why they feel that way, hold on to your seat, you’re about to hear some American X-style race science.

The US is a free country and we’re free to believe bad, crazy things. It’s your constitutional right to refuse a vaccine, drink bleach, or rant nonsense on TV. 

We bring this up because in a spicy, unbalanced example of free speech, Kanye West has been telling anyone who will listen that the Jews are a threat and there’s plenty to like about Hitler.

West is just a very unwell, mentally ill man. We all need to stop paying attention to him. The best thing Kanye (or Ye, if we’re being annoying) could do for himself is shut up and go to a quiet mental hospital in upstate Vermont for a few months.

We don’t believe Kanye’s statements are going to send Jews into hiding and bring Crypto-judaism back into vogue. But in light of recent events, it’s worth having a conversation about how dangerous these sentiments can be. 

Plus, what a great real-world tie in, right? Crypto newsletter, crazy antisemitic news stories? It was ripe for a deep dive. 

So before we move on, some closing remarks: 

Antisemitism is real and bad. The Holocaust was real and bad. Jews aren’t out to get anyone. Kanye’s not going to start a pogrom, he should join a program.

The Jews are not some malicious, secret order. Historically, they’ve had to become a secret order because of, you know, persecution. 

Jews are pretty much normal people. They’re kind. They’re funny. They invented standup comedy and seem to make the best movies. 

So let’s all be kind and tuck in to enjoy some Lox and whitefish salad. L’chaim.

Meme of the Day

Can you really just say no to congress? 

The Last Sip

SBF still claims that FTX’s missing $8 billion was lost due to accounting errors. We brainstormed a couple ideas of where that $8 billion may have gone.

• Purchasing an entire archipelago of private islands. (An archipelago is just a series of islands, Darwin loves them).

• Getting lunch at Chipotle, that guac up-charge is a killer.

• And this is the most likely, into SBF’s, or someone close to him’s off-off-off-off shore bank account.

Stay Caffeinated,

Coffee & Crypto Team

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DISCLAIMER: None of this is financial advice. This newsletter is strictly educational and is not investment advice or a solicitation to buy or sell any assets or to make any financial decisions. Please be careful and do your own research.