Keep your head down. The flashing lights, the cameras, the reporters are screaming questions at you.

You’re considering draping your jacket over your head, hiding your face, but you know the lining of your overcoat is rank with your own fear sweat.

Wait, you’re fine. This is all happening to Sam Bankman-Fried and not you. Relax, you don’t have to live it, just read about it.

Espresso Shots

☕️ Hidden Identities in SBF's Trial 🙈 🧐

SBF’s legal team has brought to the court’s attention that his parents are facing online harassment and threats of physical harm as the trial gets underway.

SBF’s legal team has identified two other “sureties,” (individuals who legally take responsibility for the debt, default, or other financial responsibilities of another party) who they believe would face similar treatment if their identities were revealed.

“There is serious cause for concern that the two additional sureties would face similar intrusions on their privacy as well as threats and harassment,” said Mark Cohen, partner at the law firm defending SBF.

The court granted those sureties the protection & anonymity SBF's legal team requested, but that hasn't stopped crypto Twitter from speculating!

Some have peculated they could include Kevin O’Leary or even Binance CEO Changpeng Zhao.

My parents made a similar request of my sleep-away camp in 2004, convinced I would face “summer-long harassment” if I ever had to take off my swim shirt.

☕️ US Regulators Warn Banks off Crypto ❌ 💰

In the greatest team up since Avengers, three US financial regulators teamed up today to warn US Banks of a very important message: crypto is scary!

In a joint statement from the Federal Reserve, FDIC and Office of the Comptroller, US Banking organizations were warned of the significant volatility of crypto.

Which was presumably very helpful to the banks who apparently don’t have the internet and were the only ones unaware of crypto’s recent downturns.

The joint letter goes on to state there are, “significant safety and soundness concerns with business models that are concentrated in crypto-asset-related activities.”

The letter also, oddly, makes clear that it is not policy, and it’s not discouraging any activity- it’s just promoting caution.

U.S. banks also received a stern letter from their older sister Charlotte warning them that varsity athlete, Darren, is bad news and they should consider other dates for Homecoming.

Charlotte did caveat, if they were to take a ride on the back of Darren’s motorcycle to Make-Out Point, she understands, and admits she can’t stop the banks from making the same mistakes she did. Just be safe, banks.

☕️ Bahamian Beef with New FTX Leadership 🥩 🤬

SBF is no longer at the helm of FTX, but the Bahamian authorities aren’t a huge fan of his replacement either.

John J. Ray III and FTX’s new management has been the target of recent ire from The Securities Commission of the Bahamas (SCB.)

Much of the disagreements and anger between the SCB and FTX appears to be about the hundreds of millions in assets seized by the Bahamian government.

In one statement, the SCB accused Ray and FTX of a “cavalier attitude towards the truth and towards The Bahamas,”

Coincidentally, “cavalier” was exactly how the New York County Family Court described my attitude toward child support payments.

Spilling the Beans

SBF Makes a Plea! 🗣️

Well, folks, it’s officially happening. SBF is going to trial!

Here’s everything we know so far:

Sam Bankman-Fried, the now infamous founder and former CEO of FTX, appeared in court on Tuesday to enter a plea in the Federal trial against him.

SBF is charged with eight federal crimes including wire fraud, conspiracy, and a campaign finance violation. If convicted on all charges, Bankman-Fried faces up to 115 years in prison.

On Tuesday morning, SBF entered the federal courthouse in the Southern District of New York to enter a plea of ‘not guilty’ to all eight charges brought against him.

SBF was represented by Attorneys Christine Everdell and Mark Cohen. Cohen previously represented another infamous personality, convicted sex trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell.

Judge Lewis Kaplan adjourned court on Tuesday with an understanding that the full jury trial, officially labeled “United States of America vs Sam Bankman-Fried,” would begin at 9:30AM on October 2, 2023.

So what happens between now and then…?

Well, essentially, the legal process rolls on - even if it’s a bit unsatisfying and anticlimactic.

Before the trial begins, the government will continue to prepare its case against SBF: a case where they demonstrate how SBF misused customer funds and intentionally defrauded investors, customers, and the public.

From what we do know, this case will include testimony from FTX co-founder Gary Wang and former Alameda CEO, Caroline Ellison. Both of whom have already appeared in court and entered guilty pleas that will require cooperation with the government.

Meanwhile, SBF and his lawyers will undoubtedly prepare his defense: he was just a kid in over his head, sure, maybe the company wasn’t perfectly managed, and maybe he made mistakes, but there was never malicious intent.

All of this means that this case will likely carry on for weeks, late into 2023. Which means it’s fairly likely Sam Bankman-Fried may not step foot into a jail cell for the better part of a year.

But, be patient: SBF is almost definitely going to jail.

So far, court actions taken by the Southern District of New York are clear: the government has every intention of sending Sam away for a very long time.

Remember, so far they’ve charged him with three counts of fraud, three counts of conspiracy, one count of money laundering and one count of campaign finance fraud.

Those charges are not light, and these prosecutors will not go easy on him. Which all of us should take some solace in.

SBF has expressed excitement that his trial is 10 months away, as the long interim will finally give him the minimum 150 hours needed to finish Elden Ring.

Meme of the Day

SBF 50. Get it?

(Follow us on Twitter to make sure you never miss one of our stupid jokes.)

The Last Sip

Sam Bankman-Fried’s perp walk is the current talk of crypto, but these are history’s all-time greatest perp walks:

3. O.J. Simpson. Literally 1,000 reporters gathered around that Los Angeles courthouse and the trial was watched by an estimated 95 million Americans. OJ was of course, ultimately proven innocent and we all accept that and have no further questions.

2. Russell Crowe. Crowe took his day in court with grace, but we all felt those assault charges should have been settled in a gladiator arena.

1. Lee Harvey Oswald (and in some ways Jack Ruby). Though they lose points because, well, the perp didn’t make it to the court house. Lee Harvey Oswald certainly had the most memorable perp walk of all time. Aim high!

Stay Caffeinated,

Coffee & Crypto Team

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