Happy Wednesday, December 14th! It's the Fifth day of Cryptmas! 

On the Fifth day of Cryptmas, my true love gave to me: Five Gold Cold Wallets. Four federal inquiries, Three tax incentives, Two failing exchanges, and a Bored Ape and a gas fee.

Espresso Shots

☕️ SBF in Custody 🚨 👮‍♂️ 

Well folks, they did it. Just like George Bush’s not so timely remarks on that aircraft carrier in 2003, Mission Accomplished.

Sam Bankman-Fried was arrested on Monday morning by Bahamian police at the request of the U.S. Justice Department.

What’s going on? What did he do!? Just kidding. SBF is being charged with eight counts of increasingly esoteric white collar crimes.

But all of it really boils down to the thesis of new FTX CEO, John J. Ray’s fiery four-hour testimony against Bankman-Fried.

Ray took the stand to decry SBF, stating, “This is really just old fashioned embezzlement. This is just taking money from customers and using it for your own purpose. Not sophisticated at all.”

Old fashioned embezzlement, huh? We prefer Manhattan embezzlement, or even Mai Tai embezzlement, but whatever wets your whistle.

☕️ What the Prosecution Has to Say 👨🏻‍⚖️ 🗣

After SBF’s arrest, the U.S. prosecution will be lead by Damian Williams, U.S. Attorney for the Southern District of New York.

Williams feels, “That it’s fair to say this is one of the biggest financial frauds in American history.”

Williams intends to break the conception that what happened at FTX was a series of blunders and get to the heart of the potential criminal activity within.

Gubir Grewal, SEC Director of Enforcement claimed that, “FTX operated behind a veneer of legitimacy. That veneer wasn’t just thin, it was illegitimate.”

So, much like when Grandpa shows up to Xmas with new massive, porcelain teeth, the American justice system will get to the truth behind SBF’s veneers in court.

☕️  Crypto Twitter's Favorite Day 🎄🎁

It was like Christmas morning on Crypto Twitter Tuesday as countless joined in to remark on and celebrate the arrest of Sam Bankman-Fried. Here are some of the best tweets:

Spilling the Beans

SBF Hit With The Book 📕 👮‍♂️

SBF’s arrest on Monday came as a semi-shock to all of us. The Crypto space and the collective world were wondering if and when he would be held accountable.

It looked like SBF was going to skirt by if he cooperated, his amiable Twitter discourse with Rep. Maxine Waters certainly made us think so.

But remember in Goodfellas when they told Joe Pesci he was going to get promoted right before they shot him in the head?

BAM! This was just like that. Kinda.

U.S. law enforcement sets its own timeline, according to U.S. Attorney Williams. “We had a warrant for his arrest,” said Williams, “timing was dictated by law enforcement, rather than any other considerations, including the timing of his testimony in Congress.”

Congress isn’t pleased. Rep. Maxine Waters stated, “The public has been waiting eagerly to get these answers under oath before Congress, and the timing of this arrest denies the public this opportunity.”

But regardless of Washington’s hurt feelings, let’s get down to brass tax.

What is SBF being charged with?

We’re going to give you the full list like we’re cops, just to save you a little googling. But we promise we’re not cops. We’d have to tell you if we were cops.

There are eight charges in the SBF indictment and those include:

1. Conspiracy to commit wire fraud on customers

2. Wire fraud on customers

3. Conspiracy to commit wire fraud on lenders

4. Wire fraud on lenders

5. Conspiracy to commit commodities fraud

6. Conspiracy to commit securities fraud

7. Conspiracy to commit money laundering

8. Conspiracy to defraud the United States and violate campaign finance laws

That could be up to 115 years in jail. And wow! That’s a lot of conspiracy! 

These charges aren’t even including the separate charges just filed by the SEC and the CFTC!

That’s right, there are now three separate cases being brought against SBF by the Southern District of New York, The Commodities Futures Trading Commission and the Securities and Exchange Commision. 

The CFTC charges pertain to alleged violations of commodities law, particularly that missing $8 billion.

The SEC is further alleging that SBF schemed to defraud FTX’s equity investors.

Quite honestly, SBF seems SOL.

Okay, so we know back in November we promised we were taking a break from FTX. And we did, for a little.

But look, the Patriots won their third superbowl in four years in 2005, but nobody was covering that, we were way too busy writing about Hurricane Katrina.

What we’re getting at is that SBF will make up most of the crypto news cycle for the coming weeks, so prepare your bodies for another FTX plunge.

We’re sorry. We love you. And we’re proud of you.

Meme of the Day

"I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living, or get busy dying."

The Last Sip

The SBF Goes to Prison Drinking Game. Here are the rules:

1. Drink if a background inmate shouts, “fresh fish,” when SBF enters federal lockup.

2. Drink if SBF stutters during his testimony as he becomes more and more unwound.

3. Finish your drink if he cries.

Stay Caffeinated,

Coffee & Crypto Team

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