It’s the last day of November, so don’t forget to put out your advent calendar and pay your rent, because Santa Claus is coming to evict you. 🎅🏻 But we won’t.

We’ll keep you safe and feed you news. Come hide with us. We’ll tell you about crypto!

Espresso Shots

☕️ “Time for Congress to Learn” says Bitcoin Senator 🏦 👩‍⚖️

Senator Cynthia Lummis of Wyoming thinks that Congress has a lot of learning to do when it comes to crypto.

Lummis, affectionately called “the Bitcoin Senator” in Washington because of her crypto advocacy, feels that the failures in the current regulation stem from a lack of crypto education on Capitol Hill.

“I hope it’s highlighted with members of Congress who have not taken the time to learn more about this asset class,” said Lummis, “that it’s time for them to learn more about it so we can engage in proper regulation.”

Wait, she’s urging people to learn about crypto? That’s our schtick.

If Senator Lummis starts offering a sardonic take on the day’s crypto news, we’re going to go all Ides of March on the senate floor. (This is an empty threat!)

☕️ BlockFi Sues Crypto's Bad Boy 💰 ⚔️

The now bankrupt Blockfi is suing Sam Bankman-Fried, claiming that he had pledged his Robinhood shares as collateral in early November.

Blockfi’s liquidity issues that led to the company’s bankruptcy are almost entirely due to the company’s exposure to FTX and Alameda.

The suit alleges that Bankman-Fried currently holds collateral that should rightfully belong to BlockFi. The filing states that SBF’s outfit:

“Defaulted on its obligations under the pledge agreement," and “failed to satisfy its obligations thereunder despite written notice of default and acceleration.”

Ironically, SBF’s false pledge of his Robinhood shares would probably devastate the real Robin Hood, who famously pledged to share.

☕️ Sam Bankman-Fried Admits to "Shitty" Lie 🚨 📉

A shocking new interview caught Sam Bankman-Fried in a wild lie.

In a new interview given to Tiffany Wong, Sam Bankman-Fried admitted he lied when FTX announced they were forced to open withdrawals to Bahamian residents.

The lie came through an official tweet from the FTX account on November 10th:

“Per our Bahamian HQ's regulation and regulators, we have begun to facilitate withdrawals of Bahamian funds.”

In truth, SBF admits he told regulators and “They didn’t say yes or no. They didn’t respond.”

This withdrawal period likely allowed SBF and FTX employees to withdraw funds while customers lost everything. SBF called this a “shitty” lie. We tend to agree.

SBF’s words are very similar to my own attempts to text my ex-girlfriend over the holidays. “They didn’t say yes or no. They didn’t respond.”

Spilling the Beans

You’re probably still wondering: What is the hottest job in Crypto?

And it seems to us that the most talked about, most profitable (initially, anyway) career path is that… of a white collar criminal.

I mean, c’mon man, everyone’s doing it. Just look at Sam Bankman-Fried, he committed one of the most blatant, massive pieces of fraud in history and now he’s going to get an eight episode series on Amazon Prime.

And then there’s Do Kwon, the South Korean Crypto-naire was, in many ways, the SBF of Terra’s Luna Crash.

He made an absolute fortune before running from the law.

And just imagine how interesting it must be to be on the lam! You get to see new places, meet new people, and you’re forced to kill the ones you can’t trust.

Caroline Ellison of Alameda is another one in our rogue’s gallery of crypto criminals.

Ellison, who has certainly been implicated but has yet to be charged, was sort of the Bonnie to SBF’s Clyde in the FTX implosion.

Her online spars with Binance’s Changpeng Zhao, her repeated assurances that FTX was stable, and her on-again-off-again romance with SBF are enough to convince us that she was fully in on it.

So what’s the deal with these crypto scoundrels? 

Do they not see their users and investors as people? Is it easier to think that you’re just changing 1’s and 0’s, not emptying human bank accounts and ruining lives?

It’s partially that, yeah, they’re listening to the worst human impulses. They’re making unfathomable sums of money and leaving others penniless.

But these scandals are also the growing pains of a boom industry and they long predate crypto.

For as long as there has been wealth, there have been those willing to steal it.

American prohibition created an opportunity for a lot of money to be made for those willing to break a new, ill-defined law. It turned businessmen into criminals and they got very, very rich.

We’re not going to be one of those pearl clutchers calling crypto, “smoke and mirrors” but it’s a young industry and when bad actors find loopholes, they’re going to exploit them.

Times are changing. Weed’s legal and now your pajama-bottomed drug dealer has become a bleary-eyed pharmacist. Tech nerds with genius IQ’s are leaving their gaming chairs to commit fraud on levels that Wall Street’s worst actors can only drool at.

But if all of this sounds good to you, (being a criminal, not selling legal weed) then we have the perfect place for you to get started…

Jail! Historically, they’ve done very little rehabilitating and a whole lot of teaching criminals to be better criminals. What better place to begin walking your dark path!?

Meme of the Day

Ah, a tale as old as time 🌹

The Last Sip

While we’re on the topic of criminals. Here are the three objectively coolest crimes.

• Stealing from A Zoo

• Copyright Infringement

• Unarmed Robbery

That’s right, when you steal from a commercial or financial institution without using a gun, just fists, words, or even vibes.

Stay Caffeinated,

Coffee & Crypto Team

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DISCLAIMER: None of this is financial advice. This newsletter is strictly educational and is not investment advice or a solicitation to buy or sell any assets or to make any financial decisions. Please be careful and do your own research.