From “Ocean’s Eleven” to “Reservoir Dogs,” the most famous heists are the ones we made up. But why?

Probably because the most successful robberies that actually happened are the ones nobody knows went down.

But that’s not always the case. So we’re giving you a tour of thievery to rival the silver screen’s greatest criminals.

Because, c’mon, what’s one last job?

Espresso Shots

☕️ UK Crypto Bill Enters Final Stages 🇬🇧 🏁

The U.K.’s House of Lords in the Upper Chambers of Parliament has approved the Financial Services and Markets Bill (FSMB), which aims to recognize crypto as a regulated activity throughout the U.K.

The FSMB is the U.K.’s attempt to keep up with the EU as MiCA legislation rolls out.

In addition to regulation, the FSMB includes innovations that add stablecoins to England’s payment rules, as well as supervision for crypto promotions.

Having passed through the Upper Chambers of Parliament, the bill will return to the Lower Chambers for further scrutiny.

Afterward, the bill will naturally slither into the Secret Chambers, where it will be reviewed by a snake and the living memory of Tom Riddle.

☕️ Do-Kwon Sentenced ⚖ ✏

Montenegro authorities just sentenced international fugitive and Founder of Terra Labs Do-Kwon to four months in jail.

While Do-Kwon has maintained his not-guilty plea while in Montenegrin custody for six months, Do-Kwon was finally found guilty of document forgery for his use of a fraudulent Costa Rican passport when he tried to flee the country back in March, according to a court statement.

Do-Kwon will remain locked up in Montenegro for the time being, but local authorities are still considering the South Korean government’s extradition request.

Meanwhile, it seems the United States’ extradition request is being shunted aside. This sort of makes sense, since Do-Kwon is South Korean.

But at the same time, it’s lame and unfair because America is literally the best at prisons.

☕️ Musk Denies Owning Dogecoin 🚀 🐕

Elon Musk is currently facing a $258 billion lawsuit for racketeering and market manipulation regarding his pumping of Dogecoin, according to court filings with the state of New York.

The suit was brought about by Keith Johnson, an investor who was burned by Doge. Johnson intends to make the suit class action and bring on other investors who suffered losses via the meme coin.

Musk has famously shown open favoritism toward Dogecoin, earning him the moniker, “the Dogefather,” but there’s nothing illegal about that sentiment if Musk never actually owned any.

It will be up to the courts to decide if Musk really has that “doge” in him.

Spilling the Beans

The Greatest Heist You've Never Heard Of 😳 💰

Whether it’s “The Italian Job” or “Heat,” the most crucial part of any heist is assembling a crack team of absolute scoundrels.

Or, you could go the much easier route and have a single, capable partner.

That’s what Aleksandr Verner and Alexey Bilyuchenko, the two Russian nationals behind the Mt. Gox heist, did.

We know Mt. Gox sounds like a Pokémon gym, but it actually got its start with a different set of trading cards.

Mt. Gox was originally MTGOX, an acronym that stands for Magic the Gathering Online Exchange. It was a rare Magic Card marketplace before transitioning to crypto.

But Mt. Gox went belly up in 2014.

Why?

Because two Russian nationals lifted a crippling amount of money from the exchange in a heist that would put George Clooney to shame.

Rather than going in and out in minutes, Verner and Bilyuchenko bled Mt. Gox dry over a series of years. The hacks started in September 2011 and lasted until May 2014.

A bug in Mt. Gox’s security system gave the men unrestricted access to a server containing Mt. Gox’s customers’ crypto wallets.

Over that time period, Verner and Bilyuchenko stole an estimated 647,000 BTC.

Mt. Gox collapsed later that year due to some… pretty glaring security issues.

And how did the story end for our two thieves? Well, they didn’t retire to Florida and live in glorious anonymity.

Well, Verner retired to Greece, the Florida of Europe, where he was arrested in 2017. He was charged with money laundering in France several years later. Verner is currently being held in California, as both men have been charged by the DOJ with conspiracy to launder 647,000 BTC.

Bilyuchenko had an even wilder post-heist ride.

Bilyuchenko used the stolen Bitcoin funds to set up a Bitcoin exchange called BTC-e.

And BTC-e took off, at one point serving as the destination for an astounding 5% of all Bitcoin transactions.

But BTC-e also became a place for the worst actors in crypto to do their business. People like cyber criminals, black hat hackers, and even drug traffickers traded on BTC-e.

Bilyuchenko created a veritable, digital black market, and BTC-e trafficked more than $4 billion in deposits from all walks of criminality before it was shut down in 2017 by the FBI’s cyber crimes unit.

So, he essentially created the digital equivalent of the assassin’s hotel from “John Wick” and we don’t think that’s cool at all. We think that’s bad.

Though it took a while for authorities to catch up with the cybercriminal, Bilyuchenko was reportedly arrested in Russia in 2019.

The men returned to the public spotlight after the DOJ unsealed the criminal charges against them in a June 9 press release.

Attorney Damian Williams for the Southern District of New York spoke on the importance of unsealing these charges to show… what a good job the DOJ can do.

• As alleged, Alexey Bilyuchenko and Aleksandr Verner thought they could outsmart the law by using sophisticated hacks to steal and launder massive amounts of cryptocurrency, a novel technology at the time, but the charges unsealed demonstrate our ability to tenaciously pursue these alleged criminals, no matter how complex their schemes, until they are brought to justice.

It drives home the core American lesson that crime actually pays pretty well, for a while.

And as we all know, well-behaved Russians rarely make history.

Meme of the Day

Piracy 🏴‍☠️ Defeated 😎

Crypto 101

Stale Block: This is a block with solved data that isn’t added to the blockchain.

Stale blocks aren’t added because usually another block with a similar data height was added to the blockchain at the same time.

This can cause a fork resulting in two competing blockchains.

It’s slightly different than an “orphan block” which are the blocks that are abandoned in the shorter blockchain, should this situation arise.

The Last Sip

If you’re going to steal crypto, you need dreams about what you’re going to do with all that money. Whether it’s starting an illegal marketplace or buying a yacht, no wish is too big or too stupid.

That’s why we came up with our own list of how we would spend stolen crypto.

3. Buy more crypto with it. All in, baby!

2. Gold-plated AK-47 from “Lord of War” with Nicholas Cage.

1. Put all of that stolen crypto in a cold wallet and build a secure, state-of-the-art facility around that cold wallet. One day, your son will have to infiltrate that facility and steal the crypto to prove that he’s a capable enough thief to take over your criminal empire. Even if he succeeds, you will betray him and there will be a swordfight. Which will be hard, because you still love him, even if you have a hard time showing it.

Stay Caffeinated,

Coffee & Crypto Team

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DISCLAIMER: None of this is financial advice. This newsletter is strictly educational and is not investment advice or a solicitation to buy or sell any assets or to make any financial decisions. Please be careful and do your own research.