Goblin Mode.

If you’re even moderately online, you’ve probably heard this term before.

But it doesn’t mean you’re in the mood to cobble shoes or you take orders from Orcs.

Goblin Mode is “the rejection of societal expectations in a hedonistic manner without concern for one's self-image.”

Essentially, you’re ready to fully embrace the id, gnash your teeth, and do whatever you want, regardless of the consequences.

So, why is the head of an American regulatory body going absolutely goblin mode on crypto?

More in the deep dive.

Espresso Shots

☕️ Coinbase Sued by the SEC ⚖ 🏛

Just one day after the SEC announced its massive suit against Binance, the regulatory body now has Coinbase in its sights.

The SEC is charging Coinbase for violating securities laws by functioning as an unregistered exchange, broker, and clearing agency.

Long-time fans of the SEC will also remember that this was one of the charges that the SEC slammed Binance with on Monday.

And Coinbase CEO Brian Armstrong actually seems sort of excited about the opportunity to represent the crypto industry in court.

While the case against Coinbase is less severe than the one against Binance, Coinbase’s stock price is already feeling the heat, dropping 9% when the Binance news hit the press, and an additional 13% when Coinbase was charged.

Despite their differences, Changpeng Zhao and Brian Armstrong were seen buying coffee and donuts together for “SE-Seen,” their emotional support group for CEOs beleaguered by regulatory bodies.

☕️ SEC Freeze for Binance.us ❄🥶

The SEC has filed a motion to freeze the cryptocurrency held by Binance.us until it can figure out what exactly is going on.

The freeze is technically a restraining order, but not the kind that keeps your ex 500 feet away and out of the bushes under your window.

This type of restraining order would include the freezing of both crypto and fiat assets, the repatriation of that currency to Binance.us’s customers, and order the preservation of documents.

So no, guilty parties at Binance.us won’t be able to just throw their computers out the window. That would be illegal.

It’s a harsh but necessary measure, though Binance employees are already calling this the worst freeze since Arnold Schwarzenegger’s performance in Batman & Robin (1997).

☕️ Jack Dorsey Endorses Kennedy 🐤🗳

Jack Dorsey, the man who founded Twitter and played a pivotal role in creating the online hellscape that we all now live on, is endorsing Democratic candidate and certified lunatic Robert F. Kennedy Jr. for president.

Well, there’s one thing both of these men have in common: they’re bullish on Bitcoin. Dorsey is certain that Bitcoin will one day become the native currency of the internet while Kennedy has attested that Americans have an “inviolable” right to Bitcoin.

Despite RFK’s bullish outlook on crypto, other potential supporters may be less enthusiastic about his anti-vaccine outlook and genuine fear of cell towers.

But even with RFK’s tin-foil-hat-wearing belief system, he was still able to secure the coveted Jack Dorsey endorsement or as we call it, an “en-Dorsey-ment.”

Spilling the Beans

Gensler Goes Goblin Mode 😈 🇺🇸

And now, back to Goblins.

Goblins have been appearing in folklore as far back as the Middle Ages.

But they were cemented in the American mythos by those scrambly CGI guys with horizontal pupils that Peter Jackson used to populate the Mines of Moria or the problematic caricatures dreamed up by JK Rowling.

However, now it seems the goblin race has found itself back in the limelight, because the chairman of the SEC has gone full goblin mode.

Let’s be clear: going goblin mode is entirely psychological. It involves leaving all your hangups and niceties at the door and listening to that awful, spindly little creature that lives inside us all.

Of course, it doesn’t hurt that the SEC’s Gary Gensler actually looks like a goblin.

Gensler has reprised the role of villain to crypto for some time. But his recent action against Binance and Coinbase have thrust him once again to the forefront of the American crypto debate.

The charges against Binance seem like straight-up white-collar crime. An individual, Changpeng Zhao (CZ), is being charged. Customers’ funds were allegedly commingled and used to buy a yacht. Details are still emerging about this case, but we can safely say something went very wrong involving Binance.

But a significant part of the SEC case against the exchange is based on unregistered securities charges. Both Binance and Coinbase are being taken to court for these violations, even though, as Brian Armstrong has said on Twitter, there’s no real path to “come in and register.”

Since Gensler took charge of the SEC in 2021, he’s taken a hard line with crypto.

And that hard line usually means invoking the American Securities Act, a piece of legislation drafted in 1933 to settle investor contracts regarding a Florida orange grove.

When it comes to crypto, Gensler has been trying to put a square peg in a round hole for years.

He seems to hate it… now. But just a few years ago, Gary seemed pretty bullish on blockchain tech, at least if this video is anything to go by.

But it’s becoming increasingly clear that Gensler doesn’t really understand crypto.

In the wake of the Binance and Coinbase suits, Gensler has doubled down on his position that the U.S. fundamentally doesn’t need crypto.

“We already have digital currency,” said Gensler in a Tuesday interview with CNBC. “It’s called the U.S. dollar. It’s called euro. It’s called the yen. They’re all digital now.”

No, Gary, your debit card is not cryptocurrency. And no, wait, no. No, Apple Pay isn’t crypto either.

It’s a potential mix of disturbing and annoying that a man who understands so little about crypto gets to be one of the largest voices in deciding crypto’s fate in America.

But it may not be that way for long.

In fact, House Republicans are already putting together measures to have Gary Gensler ousted from his position.

So, yes, Gary’s been a thorn in crypto’s side for years now, and it’s high time he was plucked out.

If everything works out, Gary will get what he deserves: banishment to the Misty Mountains along with the other goblins, orcs, and descendants of Morgoth.

Meme of the Day

Everyone knows you never go FULL goblin…

Crypto 101

Clearing Agency: This is the intermediary institution that handles the “back-office” tasks that come with securities, financial trading, and derivatives.

A clearing agency acts as the middleman between the purchasing of funds and the delivery of securities.

And if you keep reading the word “securities” and wonder why these crypto exchanges have been charged for not registering as clearing agencies, even though that’s not precisely what they are. Congrats, that’s what we’re wondering too.

The Last Sip

If Gary Gensler’s going to go full goblin mode, he’s going to have to start thinking and acting like a goblin. Here are some starter goblin tips for Gensler:

• Try to secure a summer internship at a Wizarding Bank, this will almost certainly lead to a clerking gig. Also discrimination.

• Beware of blue swords. At best, it’s an elvish blade that’s glowing because it can sense your unclean blood is nearby. At worst, it’s a lightsaber.

• Acquire a bag of human hair. This is an essential component in goblin spellcasting, and you can also glue all that hair to your bald ass head to protect you from the sun. lol.

Stay Caffeinated,

Coffee & Crypto Team

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