December 29th. The day America annexed the territory of Texas and plunged our country into a war with Mexico.

Wait, you probably forgot, didn’t you? After you specifically promised to, “remember the Alamo?” Shame. Shame on you.

Well, the Texans will forgive you forgetting the Alamo as long as you promise to read our newsletter. Giddy up.

Espresso Shots

☕️ FTX's Customer Disservice ❌ 🗣

A class action lawsuit filed by four individuals against FTX is demanding that the wronged users of the exchange get access to FTX’s frozen funds before the investors.

The lawsuit is set up so that FTX cannot pay any non-customer related debts or credits until their users are paid back, establishing priority access for those burned customers.

“Customer class members should not have to stand in line along with secured or general unsecured creditors in these bankruptcy proceedings just to share in the diminished estate assets of the FTX Group and Alameda,” the lawsuit states.

In addition to priority access, FTX users will receive a fast pass that will allow them to skip the lines at Universal Studios, Six Flags, and other theme parks that have been the target of class action lawsuits.

☕️ Mango Thief Arrested in Puerto Rico 🥭 🚔

In the latest on our crypto crime blotter, Avraham Eisenberg, infamous for stealing $110 million from trading platform, Mango Markets, was arrested in Puerto Rico on Monday.

Eisenberg manipulated Mango Market’s native token (MNGO) (cute), by pumping up the token’s perpetual contract.

Perpetuals are a type of future contract that’s popular in crypto. A future is just a contract between two companies betting on the future price of a cryptocurrency. Future is also roughly defined as, “anything that hasn’t happened yet.”

Eisenberg sold massive quantities of perpetuals to himself, driving their price up 1300% in under an hour and then borrowing against the value of his position, making a neat $110 million.

But now that the Mango Markets scammer has been apprehended, fruit stands and farmer’s markets throughout Puerto Rico can finally remove their armed guards.

☕️  China to Launch First National NFT Marketplace 🇨🇳 💻

On the first day of the American new year, (January 1, we have to specify, our countries have different new years) China will release its first regulated NFT marketplace.

This is a huge step, as crypto exchanges have been banned from operating in China since 2021. Though Chinese citizens have always been able to hold crypto currency, as it’s protected under Chinese virtual property law.

Yu Jianing, the president of Huobi Education, a Chinese blockchain education institution, explained:

“Digital assets represent a new form of commerce, and much regarding laws, regulations and supervisory policies remains to be refined… Digital assets face a greater risk of regulatory soundness.”

In short, crypto is the way things are headed. If it’s going to happen anyway, the People’s Republic of China might as well control it.

Though the people of China are very excited for their NFT marketplace, they’re even more excited for the release of the NFT Wet Marketplace, which will violate digital health codes and create new, unspeakable viruses.

Spilling the Beans

Are these the ultimate crypto bros? 👯 💰

Yes, we’re all familiar with Crypto Bros by this point.

But what if the Crypto Bro were to divide and multiply? What if a single, fertilized Crypto Bro egg were to split in two and create… Crypto Twins?

That’s right. Well, there’s only one famous pair of Crypto Twins so far and chances are you’ve already heard of them. And likely, not from crypto.

Cameron and Tyler Winkelvoss. Harvard boys and heirs to the Winkelvoss fortune. A dual inheritance created from the invention of winking and the Voss water empire.

Not really. Their father was a college professor and their mother was a homemaker.

The Winkelvoss twins rose to fame for their involvement in the creation of Facebook. They sued Mark Zuckerburg for breaking an oral contract and copying ConnectU, their planned Harvard social network site.

If you remember, in The Social Network, they were both played by Hollywood-cannibal-turned-timeshare-salesman, Armie Hammer.

Despite becoming a punchline in their Facebook lawsuit, the Winkelvoss twins walked away with tens of millions in cash and Facebook stock, and then they went full crypto.

The twins invested their Facebook payout into Bitcoin and became billionaires along the way.

They’re now known as the founders of the Gemini crypto exchange which we suppose they created between all the rowing competitions.

Now, they’re currently facing a lawsuit from their own users. Yup, the infamous suers have become the sued.

The lawsuit targets the Gemini Earn program, which accuses Gemini of violating securities laws.

Gemini Earn stopped honoring investor redemptions due to involvement with the struggling firm, Genesis Global Capital.

Gemini halted withdrawals from Gemini Earn in November, just a couple weeks after FTX’s liquidity issues became public knowledge. Weird. We don’t want to say, “contagion” but… *cough cough.*

Genesis currently owes about $900 million to Gemini users and while the Winklevoss twins have been providing updates, there doesn’t seem to be any resolution on the horizon.

While Gemini Earn is still reeling, the Gemini Exchange is coming off several months of an intense European expansion, with their exchange now running in 65 countries.

It remains to be seen if this lawsuit will slow Gemini’s growth and derail the Winklevoss twins.

If it does, the Crypto Twins may have to pivot to more traditional twin occupations, such as haunting the hallways of an abandoned hotel or guarding gates with complex riddles.

Meme of the Day

Now that's where they belong! Twins are spooky.

The Last Sip

Okay, this is a spooky one, but while researching the Winklevosses, we discovered that their older sister, Amanda Winklevoss, an aspiring actress, died on the set of Analyze That.

Analyze That, of course, being the 2002 sequel to the vastly superior Billy Crystal - Robert Deniro Mob-therapy comedy, Analyze This.

Most sources list her death as due to unknown circumstances, but unofficially, Amber Winklevoss climbed on top of a camera truck despite the protestations of the cast and crew, sustained some sort of head injury, and died at the hospital.

Bizarre and chilling. But we derive some sort of comfort from knowing that the Kennedys aren’t the only American dynasty plagued by mysterious deaths.

Stay Caffeinated,

Coffee & Crypto Team

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DISCLAIMER: None of this is financial advice. This newsletter is strictly educational and is not investment advice or a solicitation to buy or sell any assets or to make any financial decisions. Please be careful and do your own research.