Listen up. We need able-bodied individuals who are ready for the ultimate honor of defending their crypto on the field of battle.

Do you have what it takes to join the brave, the bold, the Bitcoin Warriors?

You seem like you are, because you picked up that pamphlet from the recruiting office across from the food court at the mall.

In fact, you may have already enlisted without knowing it. But that doesn’t matter. We need numbers and we need them now.

Espresso Shots

☕️ Binance Withdraws From The Netherlands 🪙 🇳🇱

The latest in a growing list of professional stumbles, Binance is withdrawing from the Netherlands after failing to secure a VASP license in the region.

A VASP license, or Virtual Asset Service Provider license, is part of the licensing framework brought about by the EU’s MiCA legislation.

Starting on July 17, Binance will no longer be able to take on new Dutch customers and existing ones will be forced to withdraw their funds from the exchange.

While Binance is officially on the retreat from the region, the exchange is still in talks with Dutch regulators about a potential way forward.

“Binance? Nah, too dicey,” said the Netherlands, a region with regulated sex work and psilocybin mushrooms.

☕️ Donations Pour in for ZachXBT 💸 💵

Crypto sleuth ZachXBT is in hot water after being sued by one of his former quarries, Jeffrey Huang aka Machi Big Brother.

ZachXBT was hit by a defamation lawsuit as the result of a year-old article accusing Huang of embezzling Ethereum from Formosa Financial.

ZachXBT is a crypto detective on a volunteer basis and he’s highly effective, as a result, he’s much loved in crypto.

And ZachXBT must have felt the outpouring of love as more than $1 million in crypto poured into his wallet to fund his legal defense, according to Nansen Portfolio.

The funds rolled in from several types of sources like wallets linked to Kraken, Uniswap, Coinbase, and a very generous donation from CEO Changpeng Zhao of Binance.

“Keep up the fight. Keep the industry transparent,” CZ tweeted before collapsing into nervous laughter.

☕️ Tech Staff Fired by AI 🔥 🤖

As the tech industry continues to be rocked by massive layoffs, some HR departments are turning to AI for the most unpleasant aspect of their jobs.

“Over 1 in 10 have even used it to craft employee terminations,” said a report released by B2B Reviews on the relationship between tech HR departments and ChatGPT.

If you’re a recently laid-off tech worker and you feel like your company didn’t care about you, rest better knowing that there’s a significant chance they couldn’t even be bothered to write your termination letter.

While ChatGPT becomes even more popular as a tool for letting go of employees, OpenAI has decided to release a targeted firing machine, simply dubbed “The Terminator.”

Spilling the Beans

How to Enlist in the Bitcoin War 🛡️ 🤺

More than skill, money, or weapons, war comes down to the numbers.

With few exceptions, the side with greater numbers always wins the war. Don’t look at me, consult history; from Vietnam to the Revolutionary War, or even the battle of Thermopylae…

Okay, fine, the Spartans didn’t win Thermopylae, but it was such an incredible last stand that millennia later we dressed Gerard Butler in a leather thong, awaking confused feelings everyone. And isn’t that what victory is all about?

Anyway, the Spartans and the Vietcong both had fighting spirit. Those soldiers weren’t drafted, they volunteered.

And to win, you need willing soldiers, which means men and women ready to fight and die for a cause they believe in.

And now we’ve come on bended knee to ask you to enlist.

Yes, you. Join us in the war to end all wars, the greatest crypto fight we’ll ever live to see.

Because Bitcoin and every other crypto are in a battle for their very existence.

And crypto’s enemy is American regulation, specifically, the SEC.

But this isn’t the crypto war, this is the Bitcoin war.

And why? Because this is a war we can win.

We can’t all dogpile on PepeCoin and convince regulators this is a feasible, promising sector of the American economy.

Bitcoin’s the big one. It has the brand, it’s the Band-Aid of crypto. Even your grandad has heard of Bitcoin.

In war, you’re not always lucky enough to choose your battlefield, but with Bitcoin, we have some territorial advantages.

First off, Bitcoin isn’t in the hot seat of the unregistered securities debate.

Both the SEC and the Commodity Futures Trading Commission (CFTC) have agreed that Bitcoin is certainly a commodity, not a security.

Even Gary Gensler, the Chairman of the SEC and the figurative general of the army opposing crypto, has stated that Bitcoin is a commodity.

"Some, like bitcoin, and that's the only one, Jim, I'm going to say because I'm not going to talk about any one of these tokens [that] my predecessors and others have said [are] a commodity,” said Gensler in a CNBC interview with Jim Kramer.

But here’s the big flaw in their logic. If they can extend the commodity status to Bitcoin, why not Ethereum? Why not other cryptocurrencies?

Well, it may be that Bitcoin is truly the most decentralized of decentralized currencies. It’s not connected to any individual or exchange. We’re not even sure who made it.

And that means Bitcoin can pass the Howey Test, the ultimate determiner of whether or not an asset is an investment contract and therefore a security, with flying colors.

Though It seems irrational that regulators would begrudgingly permit Bitcoin commodity status without a more thorough examination of Ethereum or other major cryptocurrencies.

It honestly gets us pretty heated. And you’re probably getting pretty heated up by this point too, aren’t ya? You’re ready to duke it out for Bitcoin! Where can you enlist?

Like we mentioned, there’s a chance you already enlisted. The process is simple. All you have to do is own Bitcoin.

By buying and trading Bitcoin in America, we make it ubiquitous. If you don’t have Bitcoin already, what are you waiting for? Buy the dip! Get some, get some!

The war against Bitcoin and all of crypto is a culture war. And the way you win that war is through promotion and gleeful participation in our counter-culture.

On a greedy, financial level, the more Bitcoin is purchased, the more the price goes up for all of us already holding it.

But what’s a war without a little side action?

So, chin up, recruit, and stand up straight. It’s time to head to Bitcoin Bootcamp where we’re all going to learn a lot but definitely get our feelings hurt.

Meme of the Day

Oh how the toll of war has sobered us… 🫡

Crypto 101

Hash Rate: This is how the processing power of a crypto network is measured.

A hash rate has many implications: it indicates the health, safety, and overall effectiveness of a network.

But reduced to its barest components, a hash rate is simply a measure of how many computational problems a crypto network can solve in one second.

The Last Sip

As tech companies’ HR departments use ChatGPT to save them from the messy work of personalizing termination letters, it’s only a matter of time before AI stops deciding how employees are fired and starts deciding why.

Here are the top three most fire-worthy offenses for ChatGPT’s underlings.

3. Being too “fleshy.”

2. Public displays of the capacity to love.

1. Excessive demonstrations of free will.

Stay Caffeinated,

Coffee & Crypto Team

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