Look into our crystal ball, past the swirling mists and obfuscations of fate… Wait! what’s that?

A dark, mysterious stranger is going to sweep you off your feet. Let’s just fact check that with our tarot cards. Wait, never mind, it’s not romance, it’s death.

Sorry, just kidding, not death. It’s a newsletter, there’s a newsletter in your future and what’s this!? You’re reading it now.

Espresso Shots

☕️ FTX Back From the Dead? 🧟 💀

FTT token has jumped up 32% following the announcement that current CEO John J. Ray the III, intends to revive FTX.

“There are stakeholders we’re working with who’ve identified what they see is a viable business,” said Ray.

There have been talks about bringing back FTX.

In fact, the bankruptcy team invoked that sentiment during the discussion of releasing the names of FTX’s 9 million customers. They worried that making those identities public could damage a “potential reboot.”

John J. Ray is currently installing lightning rods above his castle while his hunchbacked assistant scours the crypto graveyard for salvageable parts of TerraLabs and Three Arrows Capital.

☕️ Robinhood Drops Its Wallet ⚔️ 💰

Robinhood has launched the Robinhood Wallet this week, quickly gaining traction with a million new users.

The Robinhood Wallet is intended to serve as a browser for Web3, while simultaneously allowing users to store and trade NFTs and crypto similar to existing software wallets, like MetaMask.

Despite the similarities, “The Robinhood Wallet is a completely different product housed in a separate, standalone app," said Johann Kerbrat, Robinhood’s GM.

Though the launch has been promising, the Robinhood Wallet will inevitably have to sword fight against the Wallet of Nottingham.

☕️ Florida Customers Attempt to Sue Compass Mining 💎 ⛏️ 

Compass Mining, a reseller and hosting service for Bitcoin Mining Machines, had a lawsuit brought against it in a Florida court.

The lawsuit was filed by several Florida customers and accused Compass Mining of fraud, breach of contract, and negligence.

But the suit was thrown out by Judge Raal Singhal, stating that the case had, “several deficiencies that prevent the Court from moving forward.”

Ah, Florida. The land of deficiencies.

Though we praise these customers for trying to settle things in court rather than using the traditional, Floridian justice system involving a pickup truck, several sawn-off shotguns, and a pit full of hungry gators.

Spilling the Beans

The Dorks of Davos 🔮

Now, we’re all wondering. Where do the elite all get together to decide what happens to the rest of us?

Well, it’s not Little St. James island anymore. The Clintons saw to that. 

Maybe it’s some cavernous dungeons somewhere beneath the streets of DC. Everyone’s wearing dark robes and drinking blood. And yes, the Clintons are there too.

But that’s not very likely and frankly we can’t prove it. Yet.

But when the dorks that decide our fate convene, they actually do it very publicly.

At the Davos World Economic Forum.

The World Economic Forum in Davos is the who’s who of CEOs, Billionaires, and World Business Leaders.

If you read yesterday’s newsletter, you already know that Binance’s Changpeng Zhao was there to remind everyone to stop focusing on the currency aspect of digital currency.

But in addition to all of these world leaders and business titans, Greta Thurnburg was there to hit them with one of her classic “How dare you!?”-style diatribes.

“We are right now in Davos where basically the people who are mostly fueling the destruction of the planet... these are the people that we seem to rely on solving our problems,” said Thunburg.

Thunburg was jailed just last week for protesting a coal mine in Germany.

And yeah, we also find her kind of annoying, but she’s also right. And about the World Economic Forum she’s extremely right.

Who did the organizers think would be the best person to put in charge of the World Economic Forum’s climate talks? 

Sultan Al Jaber. The head of the United Arab Emirates national oil company.

And the Sultan’s unbiased role in Davos’s climate talks was defended, weirdly enough, by once-presidential-hopeful, John Kerry.

John Kerry, who is 79 but looks about 110, urged participants to, “not judge a book by its cover,” and that Sultan Al Jaber, “would be a very serious and focused interlocutor on this.”

Other top gossip includes:

All of the richest people in the world decided that an international recession is certainly happening but it’s going to be mild.

Elon Musk wasn’t invited but he says he was.

Everyone was really excited about ChatGPT, a sophisticated new AI that can learn vast amounts of data, write like a novelist, and will inevitably be used for war.

Then, Davos concluded in the traditional way with all of the participants putting their hands on a misshapen, three-eyed skull and reciting the Lord’s prayer backwards in Ancient Arameic.

Meme of the Day

For f*ck's sake. 

The Last Sip

Here are the topics that weren’t discussed onstage at the Davos World Economic Forum. These are… the backstage discussions:

• Keeping Teslas out of the hands of poor people.

• How to farm enough stem cells to maintain eternal youth, but not so many that it creates a cottage industry.

• Convincing the public that vaping is bad for you.

• The correct amount of mind control chemicals to put in the white rice at Chipotle.

• Getting more acting work for Eddie Redmayne (a creature they created with spare stem cells.)

Stay Caffeinated,

Coffee & Crypto Team

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DISCLAIMER: None of this is financial advice. This newsletter is strictly educational and is not investment advice or a solicitation to buy or sell any assets or to make any financial decisions. Please be careful and do your own research.