On the Seventh day of Cryptmas, my true love gave to me: Seven Trump NFTs,  Six Bitcoin mines, Five Gold Cold Wallets. Four federal inquiries, Three tax incentives, Two failing exchanges, and a Bored Ape and a gas fee.

Espresso Shots

☕️ Justice Department's Crypto Indictments  🚨 ❌

The DOJ has charged nine individuals for their involvement in “Crypto Ponzi Schemes.”

David Carmona, Marco Ruiz Ochoa, Moses Valdez, Juan Arellano, David Brend, and Gustavo Rodriguez were charged with conspiracy to commit fraud at IcomTech.

Francisley Da Silva, Juan Tacuri, and Antonia Perez Herandez were also charged with conspiracy to commit wire fraud, but at Forcount. Francisley Da Silva and Juan Tacuri were also charged with conspiracy to commit money laundering.

If you recognize any of those names, you probably won’t see them at your high school reunion next year, as they’ll be in jail.

Unfortunately, the DOJ is only arresting the perpetrators of schemes, not the victims, so we’ll all still have to listen to Aunt Carol’s protein shake pitch this Xmas.

☕️ Donald Trump’s New NFT Collection 🃏 🇺🇸

Donald Trump has released a series of NFT trading cards depicting him as an astronaut, a duck hunter, a fireman or one of many other tough guy occupations that his soft, cheese-like body has never and will never do.

“Collect all of your favorite Trump Digital Trading Cards, very much like a baseball card, but hopefully much more exciting. Would make a great Christmas gift. Don’t Wait. They will be gone, I believe, very quickly!” said Trump. Lol.

Just earlier this December, Trump said cryptocurrency is, “a very dangerous thing.” It’s not even that he’s a hypocrite so much that his brain is working minute to minute like a goldfish.

If you hate yourself enough to buy one of these, remember that you can unlock a holographic Trump NFT if you can prove you stormed the Capitol on January 6th.

☕️  White House Pleads the 5th on SBF 👨🏻‍⚖️ 🏦

The White House has refused to answer any questions concerning the millions of dollars in donations SBF made to the current administration.

White House Press Secretary Katrin Jean-Pierre claims that she can’t answer any of the questions because of, “The Hatch Act,” a law from 1939 which prevents non-elected executive branch members from making openly political statements. Okay.

In the past weeks many Democratic politicians, including Beto O’Rourke, have returned their donations from SBF. Biden? Not so much.

Despite his radio silence, President Biden could be seen on the White House lawn conferring with a bush that looks like SBF’s head. “It’s gonna be okay, Jack. You’re my favorite grandson. A lot of people are steamed but it’s gonna be okay.”

Spilling the Beans

UN Launches Blockchain to Aid Ukraine 🇺🇦 ⛑

The United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees (UNHCR) is a UN agency dedicated to assisting refugees.

The UNHCR is pivoting to an innovative and unprecedented method to give financial aid to beleaguered Ukrainians fleeing the conflict with Russia.

The UN is going to send crypto to the citizens of the world who need it most.

The UNHCR is partnering with the Stellar Network to, “reach people in need with speed, agility, and accountability.”

Nifty letterhead. We would argue that speed and agility are pretty much the same thing, but we digress.

The UNHCR is focusing its efforts on Kyiv, Lviv, and Vinnytsia, the three Ukrainian cities that have been the primary targets of Russian missile attacks. These cities are also the areas of Ukraine with the highest number of fleeing refugees because, you know, the missiles.

“For fleeing Ukrainians, and primarily for those whose banks are inaccessible, this pilot project providing humanitarian assistance using a digital wallet, will serve as a possible lifeline for survival.”

“The project itself is a vivid example of how blockchain has the potential to transform and revolutionize the way humanitarian funds are allocated,” said Oleksandr Bornyakov, the Deputy Minister of Digital Transformation.

It’s as disturbing as it is exciting to see this new use for crypto, as a fast-acting tool to help refugees escape war.

Not to be outdone, the Red Cross will soon launch Sausage and Chocolate Bar NFTs, which can be redeemed for real-life chocolate or sausage at aid stations around the world.

Meme of the Day

Idk man, these NFTs are weird. 

The Last Sip

There are 45,000 Trump NFT cards being released, all showing him doing various “cool” activities or “manly” occupations. That’s a lot to come up with, still, here are a couple concepts we’re sure they haven’t used.

• Trump shotgunning the entirety of a Fourloko.

• Trump torrenting The Princess Bride and projecting it in his dorm room.

• Trump as a Catholic school girl.

• Trump devouring an anthill.

• Trump biting his son's lip.

Stay Caffeinated,

Coffee & Crypto Team

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