Now that we’re into December, it’s time to put out your advent calendars.

What? You’re not a middle-aged mother of three? You don’t have an advent calendar? Fine, more chalky, foil-wrapped chocolate for us.

And you know what goes fantastic with chocolate? Coffee. And Crypto. Let’s go.

Espresso Shots

☕️  The CFTC’s New Billionaire Rules 👨🏻‍⚖️ 💰

The Commodity Futures Trading Commission (CFTC)’s commissioner, Christy Goldsmith Romero, has proposed new investor classifications.

Goldsmith Romero argues that the current definition of a retail investor is too broad, applying the same rules to average investors as they do to billionaires, and hedge funds.

Romero wants new classifications so that additional protections can be devised for more vulnerable investors.

“What is safe and affordable for a millionaire or hedge fund is likely to be very different for regular people who want access to markets but cannot afford to lose everything.” 

“We’re not like normal people and I think it’s time the CFTC stopped treating us as such,” agreed an anonymous, mustached billionaire as he refilled his champagne bidet.

☕️  Italy Proposes 26% Crypto Gains Tax 💶 🇮🇹

Italy has just become the latest European country to set its sights on the Web3 horizon, proposing a 26% crypto gains tax.

Italy is following in the steps of Portugal, which announced a 28% tax on the sale of crypto that has been held for less than a year. Crypto held longer than that can be sold tax-free.

Italy’s legislature also contains a Portugal-like loophole. If Crypto investors declare their gains before this January, they’ll pay a lower, 14% tax.

These new European proposals are a trend toward larger Web3 integration. These nations want to make themselves crypto-friendly, while still protecting their tax flow.

European nations are still waiting patiently as Italy has yet to unveil any significant taxes on parmesan, motor scooters, or yelling from balconies.

☕️ Ravers Take Back the Night with Blockchain 🕺 💃

EDM is the great equalizer. Nothing brings people together quite like cracking glow sticks, ingesting a bunch of pills, and grinding their teeth as a community in a sweaty, gyrating pit.

But the Electronic music scene has only grown more and more expensive and exclusionary, which is why Klubcoin has released their Party-to-Earn model.

Much like how videogames have moved toward play-to-earn rather than play-to-win, Klubcoin is decentralizing EDM.

Users can earn Klubcoin by attending concerts, watching livestreams, and downloading music from their favorite artists. They earn money by doing what they love.

This kind of initiative is at the heart of Web3, Klubcoin is taking power away from greedy organizers and corporations and putting it in the hands of the fans and creators.

If only Klubcoin could help them pass that “random” office drug test on Monday. 

☕️ A Bonus Espresso Shot: Sam Bankman-Fried's Space 🎤 📡

Sam Bankman-Fried has spent some time at the microphone these last few days.

He has answered questions from both Andrew Ross Sorkin at New York Times' Dealbook event and on Good Morning America with George Stephanopoulos.

But his harshest spotlight may have come from his least organized interview. Sam Bankman-Fried joined Twitter Spaces on Thursday evening and faced questions from many in the community. 

Sam's interview can be heard here: 

Sam's interview strategy has left many, including his lawyers, deeply confused. Here's hoping he finds some answers before I finish listening to this 3 hour Twitter space. 

Spilling the Beans

The Apple Tax Under Attack

Apple has had no shortage of critics recently - chief among them, new Twitter Chief, Elon Musk. Earlier this week, Musk even teased a digital war between Twitter and Apple.

While that war seems to have abated due to some classic Tim Cook diplomacy, Elon has not stopped hitting Apple over their ‘secret’ 30% Apple Tax. 

So… what exactly is the Apple Tax? The Apple Tax is, first and foremost, a fee, not a tax. 

It’s a service fee for using Apple’s in-app payment system. Essentially, every purchase made on an IOS app is subject to a massive 30% fee.

So if you run an online business and want to start an iPhone app, prepare to lose a lot of money to Apple.

This issue has posed major problems and annoyances for years, but now, it’s spreading into crypto which means it’s our job to rant about it. 

On Thursday morning, Coinbase was the latest victim of the Apple Tax. The US’s biggest crypto exchange took to Twitter to air their grievances. 

From their thread: “Apple’s claim is that the gas fees required to send NFTs need to be paid through their In-App Purchase system, so that they can collect 30% of the gas fee.”

If you’ve been around crypto for a while, that may have pissed you off, if you’re new - here’s some background. 

Gas fees are an annoying but necessary part of using certain blockchains, like Ethereum - where most NFTs are hosted. 

Blockchains like Ethereum work by recording information - block by block. But someone is actually doing the work of recording and hosting that information. Those people are called validators.

Gas fees are what Ethereum users pay to validators for recording a transaction. The fees vary by network traffic and availability of validators - kind of like a rideshare surge fee. 

All this to say, gas fees are a built in tax, so for Apple to say that Coinbase should somehow cut Apple in, displays a pretty glaring misunderstanding of how crypto functions. 

Coinbase put it their own way saying: “This is akin to Apple trying to take a cut of fees for every email that gets sent over open Internet protocols.”

Coinbase is far from the only crypto company struggling with Apple’s incredibly strict fee system, and it’s clearly slowing adoption of the technology on mobile devices.

These new fees are the biggest, “fuck you,” from Apple since they rolled out that tiny Lightning Connector. It’s the cord designed for you to lose!

This holiday season, there will be a long line at the Apple store as shoppers wait patiently for Tim Cook to spit directly into their mouths.

Meme of the Day

Harsh, but direct.

The Last Sip

And yeah, you’ve probably been wondering this whole time, who is crypto’s hottest couple?

Look no further than FTX’s problematic fraud-crossed lovers, Sam Bankman-Fried and Alameda’s Caroline Ellison.

It’s a will-they-won’t-they straight out of an NBC sitcom. But their potential illegal collusion, rumors of a sex tape, and rampant amphetamine abuse make their whirlwind romance more like Sid and Nancy than Cheers.

We’d also like to see Dogecoin hook up with CAT token. Hey, opposites attract.

Stay Caffeinated,

Coffee & Crypto Team

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DISCLAIMER: None of this is financial advice. This newsletter is strictly educational and is not investment advice or a solicitation to buy or sell any assets or to make any financial decisions. Please be careful and do your own research.