“What’s that, girl? Crypto’s in trouble?”

And Lassie’s not barking at the old well, she’s leading us to the halls of Congress, where some politicians are causing persistent headaches in the crypto space.

Pop an aspirin, cause today we’re draining the swamp and seeing what’s really the matter with those fat cats in D.C..

Espresso Shots

☕️ Famous NFT Creator Indicted! 🇺🇸 🚔

Renowned NFT creator and one-time U.S. President, Donald Trump, has been indicted for criminal payments made during his 2016 presidential campaign.

Those payments are the hush money that Trump and his team paid Stormy Daniels to keep quiet about her sexual encounter with Trump.

While the news is still fresh, so far Trump NFTs have seen a substantial uptick in trading.  There's no telling what could happen once there are photos of him in handcuffs as NFTs.

Trump addressed the potential indictment at his most recent 2024 campaign rally, claiming he is, “Perhaps the most innocent man in U.S. history.”

If Trump is able to beat these charges, he’ll be even more innocenter than we thought.

☕️ Regulation Should Be Focused on AI 🤖 ⚖️

Mike Novogratz, the CEO of Galaxy Digital, feels that American regulators shouldn’t be focused on crypto, but rather on AI.

“When I think about AI,” said Novogratz, “It shocks me that we’re talking so much about crypto regulation and nothing about AI regulation. I mean, I think the government’s got it completely upside-down.”

Novogratz feels that current facial and voice replication software could be weaponized by AI and cause a “deep fake identity crisis.”

Blockchain tech, on the other hand, could actually provide the identity verification needed to combat these new AI threats.

The Blockchain may be exactly what we need to block the chains of robotic oppression.

☕️ Matt Damon Explains Endorsement 💰💦

With the candor befitting a one-time Oscar-winning actor, Matt Damon admitted that his controversial crypto endorsements were an attempt to help out his struggling non-profit.

“We had a down year in water.org and I did that commercial in an attempt to raise money for water.org,” said Damon.

Apparently, my mom didn’t spend enough money on those collectible Stella Artois pint glasses he was hocking.

But still, despite the lawsuits, South Park episodes, and general mockery, Matt Damon sang the praises of his crypto sponsors.

“I gave my whole salary to water.org because we were down, and Crypto.com heard about that, and they gave $1 million to water.org completely on their own. I definitely have a lot of gratitude to them for what they did for our foundation.”

Matt Damon’s whole salary? In the future, we would advise water.org to be less thirsty.

Spilling the Beans

Crypto's Congressional Crisis 🏦

There’s a problem with Congress. And you guessed it: it affects crypto.

But before we dive into that, I think we could all use a fourth grade refresher on the branches of government, Schoolhouse Rock!-style.

The Legislative Branch creates the law. The Judicial Branch interprets the law. And the Executive Branch enforces the law.

And Congress is in the Legislative Branch. Remember that part. That will be important later.

Now, if you’ve been reading this newsletter, it shouldn’t come as a shock to you that crypto has had a lot of problems politically in the United States. 

That may be, more than anything, due to a massive malfunction in our governmental system.

The Executive Branch enforces the law, right? Well, when it comes to crypto, they’re trying to enforce laws on the crypto industry, but our country doesn’t have crypto laws…

So instead, we’re using ancient securities laws that don’t exactly work…

The Executive Branch’s regulatory bodies, the SEC and the CFTC, have been a constant presence in crypto news as they bring one lawsuit after another against crypto companies.

Not only do they sue everybody, sometimes they even step on each other’s toes, unsure of which cases fall into which jurisdiction.

The SEC and the CFTC both went after Sam Bankman-Fried and FTX. It looks like they may both go after Binance as well. 

Gary Gensler is burning the midnight oil and running on overdrive in his one man (plus some regulatory help) mission to purge this country of decentralized currency.

Gensler likes lawsuits.

And the common thread in most of these lawsuits is the labeling of crypto as unregistered securities - which means it falls under Gensler’s agency, the SEC. 

The problem here is that no one can seem to decide what exactly crypto is.

Is it a security? A commodity? Something else? Nobody has written the law yet. That’s where Congress comes in.

Or rather, that’s where Congress should come in. Congress, of course, being the center of the Legislative Branch, can’t seem to decide where they stand on crypto.

As a result, they haven't written any crypto legislation, legislation that the tech and financial worlds desperately need.

Though, Congress isn’t without its mavericks. Senator Elizabeth Warren seems to have gone completely rogue regarding her fatwa against crypto.

Warren has written individual, angry letters to crypto-friendly Bank CEOs and major figures in crypto, but a recent Politico piece alleged that Warren was “building an anti-crypto army.”

But Warren, rather than being inflamed by this sort of rhetoric, absolutely loved it and recut the article into promotional videos for her reelection campaign.

Check this out... Not everyday a sitting Senator brags about starting an anti-crypto army...

But aside from Warren, most of Congress isn’t exactly that passionate about crypto. Most of them are fine with it, some love it. But no one seems ready to actually legislate it. 

So with Congress and the Legislative Branch mostly twiddling their thumbs, the adults in the room are being forced to step in. Yep, here comes the Judicial branch.

So now we have a bunch of guys and gals in robes trying to interpret how decades old laws may apply to magic internet money. Reader, it’s not great.

So, what’s the solution?

Burn down the Capital. Just kidding. 

Congress needs to pass one, relevant law. 

We get it, Congress. Sometimes you get overwhelmed. Work-life Balance. Seasonal depression. New season of Succession. Who has the time?

But if Congress could get its act together and just pass one, common-sense crypto law that defines and protects crypto, we could finally end this will-they-won’t-they.

That doesn’t mean we’d stop punishing criminals or stop regulating the industry, but we’d at least have a common framework from which to do it. 

Admittedly, if this did happen, we wouldn’t have as much to write about. But we’re willing to take one for the team. We could write more jokes, we’d make it work.

We’re guessing there’s no chance that a single member of Congress will read this, but hey, if any of you read this: could you guys help a newsletter out?

Meme of the Day

They just seem sad, y'know?

Crypto 101

ICO: Initial Coin Offering. This is, for all intents and purposes, the crypto equivalent of an IPO (Initial Public Offering).

This is when the people behind a coin discuss potential value and decide how much to initially offer investors. They then release the coin to the public and it begins trading.

The Last Sip

In honor of our quick trip through the branches of the government, we feel inspired to do a modern Schoolhouse Rock! reboot. Here are the first three episodes.

Ep 1. Hush Money, Be Quiet!

Ep 2. Where Did Your Parents’ Crypto Go?

Ep 3. Grizzly Bear Market

Stay Caffeinated,

Coffee & Crypto Team

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DISCLAIMER: None of this is financial advice. This newsletter is strictly educational and is not investment advice or a solicitation to buy or sell any assets or to make any financial decisions. Please be careful and do your own research.