Happy New Year! 🎆 🎇

Time to dive right into those resolutions. First, we’re going to start seriously working out. Then, we’re going to quit smoking cold turkey and take out all of that nicotine crankiness on our friends and family.

Finally, and this is going to be the hardest, we’re going to break our all-consuming addiction to irreverent takes on crypto news of the day. New year, new us!

Espresso Shots

☕️ Sam Bankman-Fried to Fight the Charges 🚨 🤺

Sam Bankman-Fried is now expected to plead “not guilty” to the eight federal charges brought against him, says a source close to the case.

This is keeping with the narrative that SBF has been spouting, that the situation at FTX was a result of negligence and mishandled funds rather than intentional fraud.

SBF should be feeling fresh and ready to defend himself after a cozy California Christmas (or Chanukah) with his parents, out on $250 million bail.

By pleading not guilty, SBF joins the esteemed ranks of defendants such as O.J. Simpson, Aaron Burr, and Michael Jackson, whom, regardless of their legal consequences, were summarily hanged in the court of public opinion.

☕️ Crypto Winter May Stay Strong in 2023 🥶 ❄️

David Marcus, ex-Meta exec turned CEO of crypto exchange Lightspark, wrote a long post on Medium calling for less speculators in the crypto space and more “builders.”

Other than the changes he’d like to see in crypto, Marcus emphasized that crypto winter may be far from over. In fact, Marcus believes it may last until 2025. And why?

“It’ll take a couple of years for the market to recover from the abuse of unscrupulous players, and for responsible regulation to come through,” the post read.

“Consumer trust is also going to take a few years to rebuild, but ultimately I believe this will prove to be a beneficial reset for legitimate industry players over the long run.”

Marcus’s beliefs align perfectly with those of the vikings, who believed that winter would last three years before a wolf would eat the sun and end the world. But more on that later.

☕️ FBI Investigating Crypto Data Breach 🕵️‍♀️ 💻

The FBI is currently looking into a massive data breach at 3Commas, an Estonia-based crypto trading service.

The FBI says that Yuriy Sorokin, 3Commas’ CEO, ignored the leak of 100,000 Binance and KuCoin API keys.

“Since becoming aware of the suspicious activities taking place, we immediately launched an internal investigation,” said Sorokin in an official statement.

“We will continue with the investigation in the light of the new information and also notify law enforcement authorities accordingly.”

The FBI is currently sending one of its most promising Quantico recruits, Clarice Starling, to interview Sam Bankman-Fried from behind the walls of his subterranean, glass-walled cell. They may develop a dangerous relationship that will crack the case.

Spilling the Beans

It’s 2023! 💃 🕺

Nothing marks the start of a new year like tried and failed new year's resolutions.

But we’ve got a couple crypto resolutions that we’re really hoping you stick with.

Purchase your NFTs Strategically 🤔

Now, we’ve found that the most helpful metaphor for NFT is to consider them an asset like a piece of art.

Artwork is an essential piece of any rich guy portfolio, plus it looks nice on your walls. Or in this case, on your digital walls!

But we know that not all art is created equal.

One buyer purchases a painting of pioneers fording a raging river at a roadside stand in Nebraska. Another buys a painting of sunflowers from a little-known, bipolar, French painter at an estate auction.

Only one of those pieces is going to be worth millions.

And the same practice applies to NFTs. Don’t buy the NFT that kinda looks like your favorite videogame character from the late ‘90s. It doesn’t matter that it comes with an augmented reality function.

Do your research. Consider popularity and trends in the space. Do you think this piece is genuinely going to trend upward in value?

Then buy.

Don’t Panic 😌

One of the foremost tenants of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy is also one of the most important rules in crypto.

Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Blockchain aka Dr. StrangeCoin.

We’re still in the midst of crypto winter and it’s easy to lose hope.

But remember that weird little aside about the vikings in our David Marcus espresso shot? That the vikings believed winter would last for three years before the end of the world?

The viking apocalypse is called Ragnarök. The great battle at the end of the world.

All our favorites die, Odin, Thor, then Fenrir the wolf eats the sun, the oceans turn to steam, and the planet goes dark. The end.

But the viking end of the world isn’t the end. After the world goes dark, two human survivors appear, the Norse Adam and Eve. They start repopulating, the sun comes out, and the cycle begins anew.

Ouroboros. The snake eating its tail. 

This symbol appears all over the world because everything moves in cycles. Life, death, the stock market, and summer blockbusters.

The thing that’s tough about crypto’s cycle is we’re still figuring it out. It’s an incredibly young industry and we’re still largely guessing at its natural fluctuations.

But we do know this: This isn't the end. We’re at the low point of a larger cycle. Soon a giant snake will kill Thor and this will all get better.

We all have to stay calm. We’re going to get through this and the biggest part of not panicking is…

HOLD 💪 💎

Or as we say in crypto, “HODL.” ;)

Don’t call it quits on crypto. Don’t be that guy from my old office who used his Bitcoin to order pizza in 2009.

Brighter days are ahead for crypto.

Frankly, the digitization of currency was, and is, inevitable.

If you’re reading this, you’re already making the right moves and you’re attuned to a massive global trend.

If you don’t think digitization is the future, just look around for a second. American libraries do most of their lending through apps and my mom finally understands how to use Venmo.

But if you’re still nervous, that’s okay. We’ll be with you every step of the way.

We’re in this together. It’s gonna work out. And hey, we might make a mint along the way.

2023 is going to be our year. And we know we sound like Becky from your hometown who can’t seem to maintain a stable relationship, but we mean it.

Here’s to keeping our outlooks sunny, our heads level, and our cold wallets fat in 2023.

Meme of the Day

An IRS agent once tried to test me. I ate his life savings with fava beans and a nice Chianti.

The Last Sip

You might still be feeling your Last Sip from 2022. 

We’re talking one of those hangovers that doesn’t last hours but days. So if you’re still in the midst of your New Years ouchies, we’ve got a couple guaranteed hangover cures for ya.

The Bloody Mary: A tried and true classic. Too fragile for solid food? Try vodka-tomato soup.

The Prairie Oyster: A raw egg, Worcestershire sauce, black pepper, table salt, and a dash of tomato juice. Essentially a virgin Bloody Mary shot that goes down like an oyster. A favorite of WASPs, James Bond, and other seasoned alcoholics.

Consider How Much Some of Those Poor Fuckers Lost in the FTX Collapse: If that doesn’t have you feeling better about your pounding eyeballs and Saturday night’s choices, we don’t know what will.

Stay Caffeinated,

Coffee & Crypto Team

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DISCLAIMER: None of this is financial advice. This newsletter is strictly educational and is not investment advice or a solicitation to buy or sell any assets or to make any financial decisions. Please be careful and do your own research.