It’s 11/11 make a wish!

We know what Sam Bankman-Fried would wish for: a time machine and/or more money. Yep, we’re going to be talking about that for a while.

Grab your helmet and flame-retardant jacket, because the FTX dumpster fire is raging on.

Espresso Shots

☕️ “I fucked up” FTX CEO Apologizes 😢

In a sprawling, 22 Tweet thread, Sam Bankman-Fried apologized for the state of FTX and the widespread devastation it has wrought. And oh boy, is it widespread!

This had all of the components of a great celebrity apology, including SBF technically saying, “I’m sorry,” five times.

SBF also admitted that his company lost billions of dollars and was potentially involved in illegal activity because he “was slammed.”

SBF: “I’m not communicating enough. I should have said more. I’m sorry– I was slammed with things to do and didn’t give updates to you all.”

And then wrapping up like a classic celebrity apology, SBF called for transparency and promised to do better in the future.

Will this rank among the top public apologies? Only time will tell, for now, we figure it’s somewhere between Tiger Woods and those Kevin Spacey holiday videos.

☕️ FTX Partners With Tron to Secure Funds 🤝 💰

FTX is in an all out sprint to secure funding to allow withdrawals to resume. Early reports suggest that the needed $10 billion in funds may be hard to come by!

But there’s a sliver of hope: FTX has partnered with Tron to allow limited swaps of Tron assets to external wallets.

“We are pleased to announce that we have reached an agreement with Tron to establish a special facility to allow holders of TRX, BTT, JST, SUN, and HT to swap assets from FTX 1:1 to external wallets.”

If only Tron would give SBF one of those laser motorcycles so he could escape the consequences of his actions.

☕️ Coinbase CEO Swings at US Regulators 🇺🇸 🥊

After the collapse of FTX, US lawmakers have been particularly skittish. Senator Elizabeth Warren called the industry “smoke and mirrors” and demanded “aggressive enforcement.”

This is particularly odd in that FTX isn’t a US company, and isn’t regulated by the US at all. Coinbase CEO Brian Armstrong spoke out about the US government’s complicity. 

Armstrong claims the US’s lack of clear regulation has pushed trading overseas instead of regulating it here at home.

“95%+ of crypto trading has developed overseas because crypto regulation in the US has been hard to navigate. That’s bad for the US and Americans are still losing money in these overseas blowups.”

Here’s hoping the US Government becomes a “cool mom” and lets us sell crypto safely in the comfort of her basement. She says it’s fine as long as everyone sleeps over.

Spilling the Beans

FTX Side Effects May Include: Complete Financial Instability

Now, what started as a juicy crypto drama has… er, escalated.

You may have noticed that a story we reported in our modest newsletter is now being covered by CNBC, NPR, and investigated by the Justice Department.

And reader, FTX’s collapse is not likely to leave headlines anytime soon, as the White House, Congress, and Justice Department all seem eager to probe deeper into Sam Bankman-Fried misdeeds. And probe they will.

But the US Government is likely not Bankman-Fried’s biggest concern. Remember, FTX is based in the Bahamas, and the Bahamas isn’t particularly thrilled with him at the moment.

The Securities Commission of the Bahamas has frozen FTX’s assets. They’ve also applied to their Supreme Court for a provisional liquidator.

At the moment, it seems The Bahamas intends to fully liquidate FTX, with the hopes that they can, “endeavor to obtain the best possible outcome for the customers and other stakeholders of FTX.”

Which is a sentiment that Bankman-Fried expressed in his apology tweet, but he likely hoped the outcome wouldn’t involve his entire company being forcefully liquidated.

Though they’re offering him no safe haven, it may not be a coincidence that Bankman-Fried chose Nassau as his base of operations. After all, the island has a rich history of pirates!

Will the Bahamas and the Caribbean once again become a haven for buccaneers? Will this drive up the native parrot colony? Only time will tell, for now, keep your flintlock at the ready and continue reading Coffee & Crypto.

We’ll keep you safe. We’re the only ones you can trust. And if we ever fuck up, we’ll be sure to say so in a 22-tweet-thread.

Meme of the Day

We have newly uncovered footage of Sam Bankman-Fried apologizing!

The Last Sip

For today’s last sip, I’ve decided to rank the top 10 things I’ve sipped in the last 24 hours.

1. Coffee

2. Crypto

3. Maker’s Mark

4. Bud Light

5. Matcha Latte

6. Worcestershire Sauce from the bottle

7. Clam Chowder

8. Blue Curacao (also from the bottle)

9. White Claw

10. Milk. So much Milk.

You’ll notice nowhere on this list did I include, “water.” I should get better about that. My pee is dark amber and the consistency of margarine. Anyway, good luck out there. You’ll need it.

Stay caffeinated (and hydrated),

Coffee & Crypto Team

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DISCLAIMER: None of this is financial advice. This newsletter is strictly educational and is not investment advice or a solicitation to buy or sell any assets or to make any financial decisions. Please be careful and do your own research.