On the Ninth day of Cryptmas, my true love gave to me: Nine Twitter Polls, Eight Stablecoins, Seven Trump NFTs, Six Bitcoin mines, Five Gold Cold Wallets. Four federal inquiries, Three tax incentives, Two failing exchanges, and a Bored Ape and a gas fee.

For those keeping track, it is now the second day of Chanukah.

Espresso Shots

☕️  Binance US Bids $1 Billion for Voyager 💰🛍

Binance U.S. has offered the top bid at $1.022 billion for the assets of now bankrupt crypto broker, Voyager Digital.

Voyager Digital filed for bankruptcy last July, citing exposure to Three Arrows Capital and contagion from the Terra collapse.

Voyager Digital also was doing more than brushing shoulders with SBF and his FTX associates.

Prior to bankruptcy, Voyager had given Alameda a loan of $75 million and FTX was at one point in the running for the purchase of Voyager’s assets post bankruptcy.

“There will be no transaction with FTX. I think that is quite obvious,” said Joshua Sussberg, Voyager’s bankruptcy lawyer.

We wish Binance U.S. all the best as they will soon acquire the assets of their bankrupt colleagues.

We actually got all of our cousin Steve’s assets when he went bankrupt in the 2008 crisis, but all those consisted of was a terrified, live-in housekeeper named Marta and a Porsche Boxster that reeked of clove cigarettes.

☕️  SBF Demands Look at Indictment Before Extradition 👨🏻‍⚖️ 🏦

Crypto’s Favorite Criminal, SBF, has said that he will cooperate with American extradition from the Bahamas but not before he gets a look at a full indictment and all of the charges against him.

SBF has been denied bail as a potential flight risk and is currently held at the Bahamas Fox Hill Prison, an institution known for its rat problems, violence against inmates, and soothing tropical breezes.

Even if SBF doesn’t get a gander at the full indictment, it’s unlikely he’ll be able to legally prevent extradition to the States.

It’s kind of like demanding to know if your prison jumpsuit will look cute on you before you head to federal lock up. Even if the cut is boxy and unflattering, buddy, you’re still going to jail.

☕️ Elon Musk’s Slippery Poll 🗳 📉

Elon Musk took to Twitter to try a little bit of democracy.

In a cringey and ill-advised leadership move, Elon Musk asked the denizens of Twitter to vote in a poll:

He lost. The people of Twitter have spoken. But having ignored the overwhelmingly negative opinions from the people who actually work at Twitter, it may be unlikely that Elon Musk will step down immediately.

Though Musk is South African, we feel confident that he’ll honor the proud, American precedent set by Florida’s voting machines in 2000 and again by Trump’s “Stop the Steal” rallies, of entirely ignoring democratic results.

Spilling the Beans

Does Crypto Make You Sexy? 🍑 👀

Well, as we've observed... it can certainly make you rich. Which in most societies is the same thing as sexy.

But the relationship between crypto currency and sex appeal is a complicated beast, one which, like our own sexualities, we’ll be exploring on the internet today.

If you read yesterday’s newsletter, in “The Last Sip,” we mentioned SEXN a crypto startup that’s trying to incentivize sexual activity.

SEXN is applying the same “play to earn” metric that video game or attendance based NFT providers are using to marked success. Users buy an initial, tiered NFT and then unlock tokens based on their participation.

SEXN’s participation is based on, well, sex. After opting in, SEXN allows users to unlock their Sex Orgasm Token ($SOT) (Yes, that’s really the name they went with), based on time they clock performing sexual activity.

The idea that users will put a pause on the moments leading up to sex to start a crypto timer sounds impractical, blindly horny, and pretty farfetched, but SEXN is not alone in this space.

There are several sex tokens being actively traded in Web3, such as TABOO TOKEN, MODEL-X-coin, and Bitcoin Adult.

We’re not even sure we can say the most popular one of these tokens in our newsletter, but it rhymes with “GumRocket.”

Cryptocurrency has already found its place among sex workers and OnlyFans users, both as a way to circumvent more mainstream financial transactions and avoid the scrutiny that comes with thousands of dollars in private Venmos for pictures of toes.

Pushing these “Adult Tokens,” can also be a way for performers to receive loyalty from their fans, the success of the launch of that top token, again, rhymes with “GumRocket,” came from a single, popular TikToker and her 24k subscribers.

It’s an untapped market as these fans are eager to get off on a new form of financial domination.

So, what is the relationship between sex and crypto? 

Well, crypto is money, so it’s identical to the relationship between sex and money. And we’d say that sex and money are as inexorably linked as cake and ice cream, peanut butter and jelly, or coffee and cigarettes.

But no matter how small or large your Bitcoin holdings are, we think they’re just the right size.

We here at Coffee and Crypto think you’re sexy.

We think you’re so sexy.

In fact, we’re going to step away from the keyboard and take a couple deep breaths and cool ourselves down.

We’ll talk to you tomorrow. 😉

Meme of the Day

Did anyone else get this weird note from Elon?

The Last Sip

Sam Bankman-Fried is super preoccupied with reading his full indictment before agreeing to extradition to the United States. Here are three experiences that we think he should be prioritizing before he inevitably heads to federal lockup.

• Feeling grass under his bare feet.

• Seeing the sunrise over the ocean from a window without bars.

• A group hug with his ten, adult male roommates who will now have to play League of Legends from their parents’ houses instead of an illegally obtained crypto bro incubator in the Bahamas.

Stay Caffeinated,

Coffee & Crypto Team

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DISCLAIMER: None of this is financial advice. This newsletter is strictly educational and is not investment advice or a solicitation to buy or sell any assets or to make any financial decisions. Please be careful and do your own research.