On the Twelfth day of Cryptmas, my true love gave to me: Twelve Recovery Phrases, Eleven ‘gm’ tweets, Ten Block Rewards, Nine Twitter Polls, Eight Stablecoins, Seven Trump NFTs, Six Bitcoin mines, Five Gold Cold Wallets. Four federal inquiries, Three tax incentives, Two failing exchanges, and a Bored Ape and a gas fee.

We did it! We did all twelve! Merry Christmas! 🎄

It is now the fifth day of Chanukah. 🕎

Espresso Shots

☕️ SBF Makes Bail 💰 🤑

Having landed back in the States, a federal judge approved an eye popping $250 million bail bond for Bankman-Fried.

So, SBF is headed home for the holidays as he awaits trial at his parent’s Palo Alto home.

Coincidentally, the bond was secured by SBF’s parents putting that house in Palo Alto up as equity.

SBF’s pre-trial bond is currently the highest ever recorded.

SBF’s home detention period will include location monitoring, most likely one of those fashionable ankle bracelets, as well as intensive mental health screening.

On the ride home, SBF could be heard tentatively negotiating with his parents as to how many days of Chanukah presents would count toward his $250 million bail.

☕️ SBF’s Closest Allies Turn State’s Witness 👨🏻‍⚖️ 🚔

Alameda’s ex-CEO (and SBF’s ex-gf) Caroline Ellison and FTX co-founder Gary Wang have agreed to cooperate with the Federal investigation into the fall of FTX.

Ellison and Wang have both pleaded guilty to multiple counts of fraud and have signed plea agreements that will see them act as witnesses for the Federal government.

Like SBF, Ellison and Wang are also facing separate civil suits from the SEC and the CFTC, but both do not “contest their liability” for their involvement in said fraud.

U.S. Attorney Damian Williams continues to urge participants to come forward, saying, “We are moving quickly, and our patience is not eternal.”

If only SBF had donated millions to the Black Hand of the Sicilian Mafia instead of the Democratic party, he could do something about these new witnesses.

And by “do something” we mean one of the peaceful, cooperative, and mutually beneficial understandings that the Mafia is known for.

☕️  Paxful Kicks Ethereum Off Platform 🥾 🪙

Paxful has a mission to create economic prosperity for “100%” of humanity, and they felt that Ethereum was working in opposition to that mission.

Paxful ultimately felt that tokens built on Ethereum had too many variables in comparison to Bitcoin. In a newsletter published on Wednesday, Paxful CEO Ray Yousseff envisioned:

“A world where Bitcoin frees billions of people held back by this evil system, especially those unnecessarily harmed living in the Global South.”

In an online discourse with software engineer Jeremy Garcia, Youseff backed Garcia’s claim that Bitcoin has a “foundation of granite,” while Ethereum has a “foundation of sand.”

Foolishly, both men failed to realize that the most powerful currencies are built on a “foundation of porridge that is just right.”

Spilling the Beans

A Crypto Christmas Carol 👻 🎅🏻

Instead of our normal deep dive, come with us on a magical journey through the past, present, and future in our first annual Crypto Christmas Carol.

Hold on to your old-timey top hat, cause we’re going on a ride. 🎩

It was Christmas Eve, 2021. Sam Bankman-Fried was asleep on a weird configuration of bean bag chairs on the floor of the offices of FTX.

Suddenly, he woke with a start. There were sounds coming down the hallway of the darkened office. A knocking and a rattling of chains.

“Who’s that rapping at my chamber door?”

“That’s Poe. I think we’re supposed to be doing Dickens,” said a voice from nearby.

“Ah, my bad,” replied Bankman-Fried, lighting a candle and pushing the dangly ball of his sleeping cap out of his face.

SBF turned to see a ghost, blue and incandescent, with spectral numbers and bits of code floating around him.

“Who are you, Spirit!?” SBF cried, cowering in fear.

“Why, I am Do Kwon.”

“Kwon Do-Hyung? The founder of Terra Labs? But you’re not dead.”

“Yes, but my career’s dead. And that’s practically the same thing.”

“But that won’t happen until 2022!”

“I know, but I’m going to need you to just go along with me on this one. In many ways, I’m the Jacob Marley to your Scrooge. This is the best we can do.”

“Okay, fair. But what are all those numbers floating around you?”

“Those are the blockchains I forged in life and I must carry them through eternity. I’m trying to stop you from making the same mistakes. We need to travel into the past. To a Christmas, long ago.”

“Christmas? I’m Jewish.”

The ghost of Do Kwon frowned for a moment and then continued on like he hadn’t heard this.

“Christmas past. Come with me, to where this all started.”

Do Kwon grabbed SBF by his midcentury nightgown and hoisted him through time and space to…

Christmas 2016. Do Kwon and SBF floated outside the frost-misted windows of Jane Street Capital, where a familiar, bushy-haired trader worked tirelessly through the night.

“Spirit, that’s, that’s me!”

“Yes, it’s you, Sam. And you’re working late on Christmas Eve, again.”

“But I was a successful, international trader! I was moving billions in capital!”

“But at what cost, Sam? You’re neglecting your polycule back at your apartment. Your League of Legends team is becoming hopelessly underleveled. You won’t have the competitive rankings for matched play this year.”

“I know that! And it still hurts! But it was all worth it… wasn’t it?”

Do Kwon grabbed SBF by the collar again and hurtled them through an interdimensional vortex through time and space back to…

The present. Which again, is Christmas 2021. SBF looked around FTX, confused.

“B-but, we’re right back where we were!”

“Yes. Christmas present. I wanted to show you a Christmas party that you weren’t invited to or a kid with a limp trying to eat turkey, but you’ve created such a weird corporate culture that all of your friends and family are also sleeping on the floor at FTX.”

“Hey, we’re a fast-paced environment! It’s team-building! These sleepovers are good for morale.”

“Well…” the ghost said, giving SBF a knowing smile, “Let me show you how this all ends. Let me show you… Christmas Future.

Do-Kwon kissed SBF firmly on the lips, sending them through another portal to…

Christmas 2023. Sam Bankman-Fried’s trial for his criminal activity at FTX is still ongoing. He’s seated with his lawyer in an orange jumpsuit, his afro is several feet in diameter.

2021 SBF’s mouth fell open in shock.

“I’m on trial!? What for!?”

Do-Kwon’s ghost tried to put a reassuring hand on SBF’s shoulder, but his ethereal form passed right through.

“Well, Sam, people are really upset about that missing $8 billion.”

“It’s only like three or four billion in 2021! Am… am I going to jail?”

“You’re almost certainly going to jail.”

2021 SBF began to weep. The 2023 SBF on trial began to subtly pick his nose, confident no one could see him. They could.

Do-Kwon crouched down next to the crying, soon to be ex-billionaire. He tried to put a ghostly hand on Sam’s shoulder again and this time it worked because he concentrated extra hard.

“Sam, have you forgotten? You’re American.”

“Wh-what?” SBF asked, wiping tears and mucus away. “What do you mean?”

“You’re a white-collar criminal in America. You’re going to go to some minimum security prison like Alderson on Jessup where you’ll take tennis lessons and catch up on your sleep.”

SBF stood up. His tears were gone. Gone too was the fear for the future or any sense of guilt for his past, present, or future actions.

“God bless America,” SBF cried, “God bless everyone.”

Meme of the Day

Beware the ghost of Cryptmas past!

The Last Sip

Here were our other three Crypto Christmas Parody ideas that we floated then shot down:

• How the Grinch Misplaced $8 Billion

• De-Santra-Lized Christmas (The Year Without a Santa Claus)

• N-Elf-T

Stay Caffeinated,

Coffee & Crypto Team

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