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It’s always darkest before the dawn. 

Just when you think humanity’s about to go extinct, some last desperate act saves the day, whether that’s sending a reprogrammed Terminator back in time to protect Sarah Connor or simply finding out that the Martians can’t handle our bacteria.

But of course, those are stories, this here’s real.

When it comes to the financial future of the globe, things may be looking dire, but Bitcoin could be the remedy to all our woes.

Espresso Shots

☕️ The U.S. Gets Do-Kwon 👮‍♂️ 🇺🇸

In the Montenegrin extradition battle for Do-Kwon between South Korea and the United States, it appears America has prevailed.

It’s been an ongoing question of jurisdiction, with Do-Kwon facing federal fraud charges from prosecutors in New York and a civil suit from the American SEC. In South Korea, Do-Kwon faces an indictment as well as a series of fraud charges and violations of capital markets laws.

But a December 7th report from the Wall Street Journal indicated that Montenegro's Justice Minister, Andrej Milovic, has been “privately” indicating that he intends to send Do-Kwon to America, first, rather than Do-Kwon’s native South Korea.

Maybe a shared custody agreement would have been possible, but we all know the U.S. would have tried to curry favor by getting Do-Kwon a puppy.

☕️ Grand Theft Bitcoin 🚓 💰

The Grand Theft Auto VI trailer has made waves this week, particularly because it was leaked earlier than publisher Rockstar intended. But the leaked version contained a very special, crypto message for those fast and eager enough to see it.

Superimposed on the leaked version were the words, “BUY $BTC,” which remained for the entirety of the trailer and was watched by millions.

Seeing as this is absolute degen behavior, some kindred spirits were quick to praise the leaker.

Naturally, Rockstar isn’t so happy, considering the countless man-hours and PR dollars spent on designing the perfect announcement trailer.

But if Rockstar could just open their eyes, they’d see that there’s nothing more fitting than announcing the next GTA with just a little crime.

☕️ CZ’s Guilty Plea ❌ 🙏

On Wednesday, Judge Richard Jones of Seattle officially accepted Changpeng Zhao’s guilty plea.

CZ has already had to step down as CEO and pay $50 million in fines to regulators.

The sentencing hearing is set for February 23rd, 2024 and CZ is currently out on a $175 million bail bond, but will not be allowed to return to his partner and children in the United Arab Emirates.

CZ faces up to 18 months in prison.

And thankfully, that's a perfect sentence. 18 months is exactly how long it takes to learn how our anti-money laundering laws work.

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Spilling the Beans

Help us, Bitcoin, You’re Our Only Hope 🤝 🤖

When you start to take a good hard look at the world, at least financially, you might start to get a little worried.

Consider your own financial stressors, your credit card debt, student loan payments, the mortgage payments on your house or your apartment’s slowly climbing rent.

And whatever your debt is, it’s a molecule of a drop of water in the bucket compared to the national debt that America has incurred.

When you think about, we mean really think about, a nation that is 33.88 trillion dollars in debt, you start to wonder how any of our institutions are left standing.

Then you realize that money is just a value we all agree on. It’s a construct. Like time. 

And when you consider the staggering, massive expanse of time, you realize that human life is the equivalent of a fly in the great, cosmic soup. You were nothing before, and most likely you’ll be nothing after. We spend much more of our existence as space dust than as podiatrists, construction workers, stay-at-home moms….

Sorry, got a little existential there. Like the rest of us, the newsletter gets a little depressive in the winter months. Back to something we can sort of control, finance.

Yes, as the world’s finances seem to march ever toward a cliff of instability, is there any sort of recourse?

Of course, crypto. More specifically, Bitcoin.

At least that’s the argument Brian Armstrong, the CEO of Coinbase, took to X (Twitter) to make.

Could Bitcoin truly be the antidote to the fall of Western civilization?

Now, we hear a lot about Western Civilization and its potential fall, but not so much about Eastern. Let’s first identify what Armstrong means by ‘Western'.

These two ideas of society are somewhat geographical, but they’re mostly ideological.

Western prioritizes personal freedom, individuality, and democracy (think the USA and most of Europe) while Eastern prioritizes social responsibility, duty, and strong executives (think China, Russia).

And in the fight for the preservation of western individuality, Bitcoin could very well be our champion.

As the world grows more digital, there is an inherent totalitarianism that comes with that.

No, we’re not just talking about dictatorships. But as the world grows more accessible, there are only going to be more governments and institutions that want full access to everything.

That means your data, your habits, your finances, and ultimately, your sense of privacy.

But the anonymity and control that crypto affords stands in direct opposition to that.

Crypto doesn’t need to replace fiat currency completely, but it will always offer citizens the choice to participate.

And even that sense of choice is a preservation of Western idealism.

So, is Bitcoin the tool that will forever safeguard Western Civilization’s sense of individuality?

Well, it was Armstrong who presented this query, not us. And being the man of the people that he is, he encouraged audience participation.

And the responses ranged from thoughtful and encouraging…

To dismissive.

Now, whether you’re a thoughtful response guy or more in the champagne Pepe camp, we’re not here to judge you. Express your individuality, that’s what Western civilization is all about.

Crypto 101

MMLU: “Massive Multitask Language Understanding,” sometimes referred to as an MMLU dataset.

This is a newly established benchmark for measuring the capacity or near-human expertise of AI models.

The test is sort of a robotic SAT covering 57 subjects including STEM, the humanities, social sciences, and critical thinking challenges.

The Last Sip

The Last Sip: Yes, we know that Bitcoin is important. But the best way to prevent the fall of Western civilization is the same way we prevented the fall of my Grandma, by installing a handlebar, stool, and non-slip mat in the shower.

Stay Caffeinated,

Coffee & Crypto Team

That's all for today! If this email got you hooked on our unhinged crypto takes, be sure to get a full dose on Twitter @GetCoffeeCrypto.

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DISCLAIMER: None of this is financial advice. This newsletter is strictly educational and is not investment advice or a solicitation to buy or sell any assets or to make any financial decisions. Please be careful and do your own research.