You’re going to want to read this intro in a David Attenborough voice. Get that Planet Earth cadence down in your head. Okay, British narrator ready? Let’s go.

Humans, a mammal of the primate order, their habitat covers 70% of earth’s surface. Bitcoin. Ethereum. The Blockchain. They were all created by human beings. Humans buy, trade, and sell their digital commodities in accordance with primate socialization.

A human minted the first Bitcoin, but what if Bitcoin could mint humans? For answers, we’ll have to travel to the beginning. The beginning of this newsletter.

Espresso Shots

☕️ Binance's Voyager Deal Hits Rocky Waters 🌊 ⛴️

Last week, the SEC filed an objection to Binance.US’s proposed takeover of the bankrupt crypto exchange Voyager; since then, others have piled on in opposing the deal.

Opponents of the deal include the SEC, regulators in Texas, New York and Vermont, the bankruptcy division of the Department of Justice and now, FTX’s Alameda.

While regulators are seeking more information on Binance.Us’s liquidity, Alameda’s objections appear rooted in the idea that they had first claim to purchase Voyager and Binance.US’s deal unduly ignores their investor’s interests.

Despite that claim, it’s now clear Alameda and FTX never had the resources to make the deal, and claims that they did were clearly false.

In order for the Binance-Voyager deal to move forward, Voyager needed to disclose additional information, which they did in a filing this weekend.

While providing that information, Voyager also took a swing at Alameda, calling their objections “hypocrisy and chutzpah at its finest.”

Off the record, Voyager also said that Alameda's objections were growing into a fine young man who did an excellent job with his Torah reading.

☕️ Crypto Payment App Wyre to Shut Down 🏦 ❌

As crypto winter trudges on, crypto firms everywhere are bracing for the worst. For some, it may already be too late, that appears to be the case for crypto payment app Wyre.

Wyre is a crypto payments tool that can be implemented into sites to allow quick payments via crypto or fiat and user onboarding.

This weekend, the company tweeted that they’re adopting withdrawal limits, only allowing users to withdraw 90% of the funds currently in their account.

These limits come amidst recent reports that employees at the company were told via email to brace themselves for the fact that Wyre’s CEO will “unwind the business.”

Mere days after that Email, it was announced that Wyre’s CEO would transfer to a chairman role. Their Chief Risk Officer is now their interim CEO, and seems to be captaining the sinking ship.

This marks a massive collapse in value for Wyre, which was expected to be purchased for $1.5 Billion in April of last year.

With the cancellation of Wyre, longtime fans will be forced to return to David Simon's vastly inferior show about corruption in Baltimore, We Own This City.

☕️ Collusion in SBF's Trial? 🤵 ❤️ 👰‍♀️

It appears, one of SBF’s attorneys may have a trick up his sleeve. Or rather, in his bed. At home. OK, it’s his wife.

The internet sleuths at Marco Polo found that Christian Everdell, one of SBF’s two attorneys, is married to Ana Marie Preissler, a senior counsel at the SEC, in the office currently suing SBF.

While Preissler is not on the legal team suing SBF, she is a senior member of the SEC Department of Enforcement and this is a massive SEC case. It’s unlikely she’s not privy to private information.

All of this has only compounded fears that Sam Bankman-Fried, who has had a close relationship with regulators for years, may not get the book thrown at him.

Meanwhile, calls for Preissler’s recusal have already begun, and while recusal does seem to be the ideal path forward, SBF’s legal team and the SEC are clearly too close for comfort.

SBF's Legal Team and the SEC were reportedly seen at a local bar, where SBF's legal team forced a laugh before leaving their hand on the SEC's hip for a fraction too long.

Spilling the Beans

Bitcoin Babies...? 😳

You’re probably still wondering if Bitcoin can create human life.

We won’t keep you waiting any longer, just know, this is a feel good story, so be prepared to feel good.

This is the story of the Noodle family in London.

They’re not really called the Noodles, they’re real people with actual identities but they’re hidden in this story.

The husband’s nickname as a child was, “Nicky-Nacky Noodle.” Which eventually became shortened to just, “Noodle.” That part hasn’t been changed at all. They’re British, remember? They love speaking nonsense.

Anway, so Noodle, and again, we’re not trying to be cute here, that’s just the alias we’re working with.

Noodle meets a woman in 2008. This is London, so we’re going to assume they met at a pub or inside one of those red phone booths.

They start dating. Noodle has a semi-successful digital advertising agency. They’re happy.

In 2012, one of Noodle’s buddies is raving about the Silk Road and the uses for a new, digital currency, Bitcoin. Wisely, Noodle ignores the Silk Road bit and focuses on Bitcoin.

He does his research. He tells his girlfriend about it. When she becomes Mrs. Noodle in 2014, they use £400 from their wedding gifts to purchase a modest lump of Bitcoin.

Then, like Sauron’s ring on the bottom of that riverbed, the Bitcoin was forgotten as life moved on.

Until years later, the Noodles found that they were missing one crucial part of the life they envisioned together. Children.

The Noodles struggled to conceive. They considered IVF, but struggled to get approved for the personal loans that would make that possible.

Then, the Noodles remembered that they were sitting on a now, substantially larger amount of Bitcoin.

The Noodles cashed in some of their Bitcoin and began IVF treatment.

It was a success. And lo and behold, the first Bitcoin Baby was born. A human life paid for entirely by cryptocurrency.

In fact, two years later they doubled down and had a second Bitcoin Baby. The Noodles are thriving, all thanks to crypto.

Cute, right? See, we told you it was a feel good story.

On that note, we can’t help but assume that the recent market downturn means the Noodles will not be adding a third child to the mix anytime soon.

Meme of the Day

Bitcoin babies may be a few years out but boss babies are here and they are very scary.

The Last Sip

We’ve all heard about how a group of Crows is called, “a murder.” We get it. We’ve run out of things to talk about. But while we’re on the topic, what about some lesser known baby animal names?

Eagles - Eaglet. The hysterically uncreative name for baby eagles. Ironically, an Eaglet is also what I’d call an omelet made of eagle eggs.

Platypus - Puggle. You’re kidding. A baby platypus is called a puggle? We all know that’s a pug mixed with a beagle. Nice try.

Jellyfish - Ephrya. Jellyfish larvae are called Ephyra. Of course, one of the most alien-looking creatures on earth would have babies that sound like a sci-fi planet. And we always thought smaller jellyfish were just different jellyfish. Who knew?

Stay Caffeinated,

Coffee & Crypto Team

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DISCLAIMER: None of this is financial advice. This newsletter is strictly educational and is not investment advice or a solicitation to buy or sell any assets or to make any financial decisions. Please be careful and do your own research.