Happy Tuesday! Or better yet, Happy Fourth Day of Cryptmas! 

On the Fourth day of Cryptmas, my true love gave to me: Four federal inquiries, Three tax incentives, Two failing exchanges, and a Bored Ape and a gas fee.

Espresso Shots

☕️ Sam Bankman-Fried Arrested! 🚨 🚓

Contrary to SBF’s earlier statements on Twitter, he will not be showing up to testify in Washington today. That’s because he was arrested last night by Bahamian authorities.

The arrest comes after criminal charges were filed by the Southern District of New York. The Bahamian government will now hold SBF until the US extradition request is processed.

“The Bahamas and the United States have a shared interest in holding accountable all individuals associated with FTX who may have betrayed the public trust and broken the law.” Said Bahamian Prime Minister, Philip Davis.

The Bahamian authorities are holding SBF using specialty “weak-wristed” handcuffs designed for detaining MIT physics majors.

☕️ Coinbasically Screwed... 🪙 📉

Coinbase is having an extremely rough go of it.

After Coinbase CEO Brian Amstrong’s earlier confession that the company underperformed this year, Coinbase stock hit an all-time low this week at $39.65.

Though Coinbase rallied last August when they announced a partnership with BlackRock, Coinbase stock is now down 83% over the past year.

This kind of devastation, unfortunately, is becoming a trend in the crypto space because of that curly-headed altruist and his wildly-mishandled exchange. You know the one.

Though Coinbase may be at an all-time low, they’re still doing better than rock band All Time Low, who are currently under investigation for sexual abuse charges. Now, that’s an all-time low.

So, hey Brian Armstrong, could be worse!

☕️  A-List Celebs Sued for Bored Ape NFT Crash! 🦧 🙈

Another day, another celebrity sued for backing crypto! 

This time, we're trading out Larry David, Tom Brady and the FTX crew for Jimmy Fallon, Snoop Dogg, Paris Hilton, Madonna, Steph Curry and 30 other NFT collectors. 

What are they being sued for? For owning and talking about Bored Ape NFTs! Literally.

The plaintiffs, who bought Bored Ape NFTs in April of 2021 and lost significant value in the crypto crash, claim these celebrities made:

“False and misleading statements concerning Yuga’s growth prospects, financial ownership, and financial benefits” and used “celebrities to lure in unsuspecting investors.”

A similar case was recently thrown out by a judge who said investors must "act reasonably before basing their bets on the zeitgeist of the moment."

I myself am currently in the process of suing my local Thai place for making my Panang curry too spicy. It gave me a tummy ache.

Spilling the Beans

Binance Facing Legal Action 👮‍♂️👨🏻‍⚖️

The U.S. Justice Department is considering bringing criminal charges against Binance.

The investigation has targeted several high-profile executives in the company, including Founder and CEO, Changpeng Zhao.

The charges pertain to an ongoing investigation dating back to 2018, into Binance’s compliance with anti-money laundering regulations.

Binance released an official statement claiming that the investigation is just business as usual and part of a larger, custodial effort by the U.S. Justice Department.

“As has been reported widely, regulators are doing a sweeping review of every crypto company against many of the same issues.

This nascent industry has grown quickly and Binance has shown its commitment to security and compliance,” said a Binance spokesperson.

Despite assertions that the investigations are standard operating procedure, Binance is pushing back against the DOJ, claiming that a criminal prosecution would further destabilize a crypto market still recovering from the fallout of FTX.

Which is a little like the Mafia arguing that an upcoming RICO trial would hurt Italian-owned small businesses. Sure, pizza sales may suffer but somebody’s got to answer for all those bodies floating in the Hudson.

And Binance is, of course, inexorably tied to the FTX implosion.

Despite protests that their liquidation of FTX’s token was an unbiased business decision, Binance acted as the inadvertent whistleblower in the FTX disaster.

Binance wasn’t screaming, “Hey, there’s $8 billion missing from this company’s books!” But liquidating those assets was the first Jenga block that brought down the FTX tower.

Back in 2021, Bloomberg revealed that the DOJ and the IRS were looking into Binance for potential money-laundering.

None of these proceedings have been made fully public and it’s still unclear if these have all been separate investigations or one long, unfruitful one.

The timeline leaves us with one, burning question: Why hasn’t anything happened yet?

Is this really a routine compliance inspection or is Binance standing on the precipice of an FTX-style fall?

This story is still developing, but for now, we’d recommend that Binance, Changpeng Zhao, and all of the executives implicated, maintain calm, level heads, destroy their burner phones, and flush all the coke.

Meme of the Day

Oh this? No, this is normal. Happens all the time.

The Last Sip

Sam Bankman-Fried won’t be testifying in person because of the “paparazzi effect.” Here are the other effects that make SBF nervous.

3. The Placebo Effect. SBF lives in fear of being the control group in a medical study.

2. The Doppler Effect. SBF is terrified of someone screaming from a passing car and still doesn’t understand how this relates to meteorology.

1. The Butterfly Effect. SBF dislikes the shitty Ashton Kutcher movie almost as much as he dislikes the possibility of time traveling and changing a small event that will impact world history.

Stay Caffeinated,

Coffee & Crypto Team

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