On the Sixth day of Cryptmas, my true love gave to me: Six Bitcoin mines, Five Gold Cold Wallets. Four federal inquiries, Three tax incentives, Two failing exchanges, and a Bored Ape and a gas fee.

Espresso Shots

☕️ SBF Denied Bail ❌ 💰

A Bahamian judge has denied SBF’s request for bail, labeling FTX’s ex-CEO as a potential flight risk.

SBF’s legal team is doing everything they can to fight extradition to the United States, but if you know anything about America, we love fighting overseas.

SBF’s proposed bail was set at $250,000, about two and a half times his current net worth. But the petition was denied and SBF was ordered to the Bahamas department of corrections.

SBF currently sits in Bahamian lockup, in a cell block shadowed by palm trees, while his cellmate plays a sad rendition of the Baha Men’s Who Let the Dogs Out? on his harmonica.

☕️ Elizabeth Warren is Coming for Your Wallet 💵 🏦

This week, Senators Elizabeth Warren and Roger Marshall introduced, “The Digital Asset Anti-Money Laundering Act.”

This new bill would enforce Know Your Customer (KYC) regulations on crypto wallet providers, miners, and validators.

“This legislation would ensure the same standards apply across similar financial transactions,” said Warren.

“The bipartisan bill would help close crypto money laundering loopholes and strengthen enforcement to better safeguard U.S. national security.”

Critics of the new bill are calling these regulations, “totalitarian,” likening these new rules to a dictatorship-like level of surveillance.

Ironically, Senator Warren has shot down any bill attempting to regulate or survey her Ancestry.com results.

☕️ Changpeng Zhao’s Self-Custody Battle 💻 🏦

Binance’s CEO, Changpeng Zhao hosted a Twitter AMA Wednesday to warn everybody about the dangers of crypto wallets.

“For most people, for 99% of people today, asking them to hold crypto on their own, they will end up losing it.” said Zhao.

He went on to outline potential cold wallet disaster scenarios.

“They will lose the device. They will not have the proper encryption for their backup, they will write it on a piece of paper, someone else will see it, and they will lose those funds.”

“If a person passes away, they don’t have a way to give to their next of kin. Whereas we have a standard operating procedure.”

That’s right. You can’t trust your cold wallet, because of death, but you should trust Binance. Sure, Binance would benefit from less cold wallets, but mostly it's for your safety!

We’re very excited for next week’s AMA, in which your bed will answer questions concerning the dangers of sleeping on the couch.

Spilling the Beans

The Rise and Fall of the Crypto Bro 🕶 🕹

The Crypto Bro.

A new type of guy who has wormed their way into American society. In many ways, they’ve supplanted the Finance Bro’s position as the most obnoxious, economics-obsessed male.

Though the Crypto Bro may not have the Finance Bro’s proclivity for bothering your girlfriend in a South Boston bar, the Crypto Bro is more likely at home grinding their teeth through 50mg of adderall and firmly planted in their gaming chair.

Like the hippy, the emo, the stoner, or the theater kid, the Crypto Bro is all around us, but a few archetypical Crypto Bros have risen above all others.

And things haven’t turned out that well for them.

Sam Bankman-Fried comes to mind immediately. With his bad haircut and ill-fitting clothes, this strange little genius made more money than we can dream of and promptly lost it all through yet-to-be-proven illegal activity.

But is SBF part of a larger trend? Do the most successful Crypto Bros meet equally disastrous ends? Let’s work our way through a couple case studies.

Kwon Do-Hyung, more commonly known as Do-Kwon, is probably the second most notorious Crypto Bro in history.

Do-Kwon was the co-founder and CEO of South Korea-based exchange, Terraform Labs. The dissolution of Terraform and the collapse of Luna coin was the most cataclysmic event to rock the crypto space until FTX.

Do Kwon is still on the run, maybe in Serbia, maybe in Dubai, maybe… right behind you! Did you look? Probably not. Like most members of the Crypto Bro species, Do Kwon is uh, less than physically intimidating.

And then there’s Steve Erlich. Steve Erlich was the CEO of Voyager Digital, and he made out pretty well before his crypto exchange went bankrupt.

Erlich sold his shares when Voyager stock was at its peak, pocketing a nifty $31 mil, but Erlich’s troubles didn’t end there…

Erlich, as well as Shark Tank personality, Mark Cuban, are facing a 92-page lawsuit alleging that Voyager was nothing more than a digital Ponzi scheme misleading millions of Americans.

That $31 million in Erlich’s pocket may get a lot lighter in the near future.

Zac Prince, is a Crypto Bro who closely mirrored Erlich’s trajectory. Prince’s crypto lending firm, BlockFi, also went bankrupt right around the time that Voyager folded, both crushed in the shockwaves of FTX.

Prince, of course, assured users again and again that the firm was not on the brink of collapse… then promptly collapsed.

So, what’s happening to our Crypto Bros? Are they in danger? Is this species going extinct?

At Coffee & Crypto, we decided to take action, which is why we’re partnering with the World Wildlife Federation to develop a series of Crypto Bro Wildlife Sanctuaries across North America.

In our sanctuaries, Crypto Bros will be able to roam free and game to their heart’s content, all while learning the basic social skills and emotional empathy that will allow them to be released back into the wild.

They’ll be safe in our sanctuaries, far from poachers and the pressures of handling billions of dollars of other peoples’ money.

Donate now, the need has never been greater.

And no, you won’t know where your donation is going, because like the Crypto Bros themselves, we operate with 0 transparency. But please, donate today, every penny counts.

Save the Crypto Bros.

Meme of the Day

Shhhh, they're endangered. Just watch them in their natural habitat.

The Last Sip

What are the three largest differences between jail in the Bahamas and the American penal system? We’ll tell you.

1. You get your one phone call on a conch shell. Visiting hour is called, “happy hour,” but the schedule is nearly impossible to track because everyone’s on island time.

2. Orange prison jumpsuits ditched for floral, or “tiki” patterns.

3. You can hear the ocean from your cell. Or if you put your conch phone to your ear.

Stay Caffeinated,

Coffee & Crypto Team

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DISCLAIMER: None of this is financial advice. This newsletter is strictly educational and is not investment advice or a solicitation to buy or sell any assets or to make any financial decisions. Please be careful and do your own research.