Bitcoin’s been down in the dumps lately, but that’s no reason to give up hope.

Like trying to keep a pool noodle under the water, what goes down, must come up.

But maybe Bitcoin needs a little, extra help. And no, that motivational poster of a kitten clinging onto a branch just isn’t going to cut it.

Don’t stress, because we’ve figured out five ways that Bitcoin might reclaim its old vigor and get back on track.

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☕️ Buterin Moves ETH to Coinbase ↗ 🪙

Vitalik Buterin, the founder of Ethereum, has moved 600 of his personal ETH, worth approximately $1 million, to Coinbase.

This transfer comes in the midst of a widespread downturn in the crypto market.

The nature of the move has digital onlookers wondering whether Buterin is about to engage in a massive sell-off.

Well, why not? This wouldn’t be the first time that Buterin and his ETH parted ways. He’s sold off previous portions for fiat currency, and been forced to engage in some serious sh*tcoin burns.

If Buterin were to sell, it’s unclear what he needs the money for, as we all know a “World of Warcraft” subscription is still just $14.99 per month.

☕️ All Memes Go to Heaven 🖼 😇

Balltze, a viral Shiba Inu dog who was known for his round face, has passed on.

Balltze, also known as “Ball Ball,” but referred to as “Cheems” by the broader internet, went viral much like Kabosu, the Japanese dog on which Dogecoin is based.

Cheems was known for his love of cheeseburgers, and for being generally adorable.

Cheems’ death has sent waves of sorrow throughout Shiba Inu enthusiasts and meme communities around the globe.

Thanks for all the laughs Cheems, you will be missed. ❤️ 

Though we do worry that he’ll be stuck in limbo, since, while all dogs go to heaven, most memes go to hell.

☕️ Friend.tech Frenzy 👨‍👦‍👦 🌪

The Friend.tech app, which was launched this August, has experienced a surge of activity and driven more than $8.1 million in ETH trading.

Friend.tech, which was built on Ethereum’s layer-2 network, is linked to X (formerly Twitter) and allows users to buy and sell shares of their favorite X accounts as if they were stocks.

Users that buy shares of those accounts are also granted access to a private chatroom from the target account.

It’s an exciting and new idea. So exciting that the Friend.tech servers hit capacity on launch day.

But for those with social anxiety, Friend.tech may seem like too much too fast. They may want to wait around for the launch of Acquaintance (dot) tech.

Spilling the Beans

5 Factors That Could Send Bitcoin Flying 🚀 🪐

What we thought was a brief, Bitcoin slump is revealing itself to be more akin to an ill-timed, spring hibernation.

Bitcoin entered a mossy cave, settled down among exposed roots, and has begun to slumber and dip to a roughly $28,000 price-point in the past couple of weeks.

But this may not just be your regular, market siesta. Bitcoin recently dropped to a two-month low, settling around $26,000 as investors pull their funds.

And that is concerning. Bitcoin’s vitals are dropping, and we need to wake this sleeping dreamer and get BTC back on track.

Luckily, the good people at Cointelegraph compiled a list of five, potential catalysts that could shake Bitcoin out of this Spring nightmare.

Without further ado, we’ll run you through them.

The Bitcoin ETFs

The Bitcoin ETF applications were a constant in the crypto news cycle, but have since become an afterthought.

Why? Because we’ve exited the exciting part, the actual application and submission process. Now, we’re in the waiting game. And most media outlets aren’t going to report that “yep, we’re still waiting on the outcome there.”

But remember, we still have those Bitcoin ETF applications in our back pocket. When one, some, or all of those are approved, there is going to be a lot of new money and attention surging into crypto.

We can’t say that we have a lot of trust in full SEC approval, but we do trust that if these applications go through, Bitcoin’s price will react accordingly.

PYUSD

Though yes, PayPal’s stablecoin seems destined to shake up the stablecoin market, and that might not necessarily be a good thing.

The release of PYUSD coming before Congress determines a clear, regulatory pathway for stablecoins.

But like they say in Hollywood, “There’s no such thing as bad publicity.”

Like any great disruptor, there’s always the chance that the chips will fall our way.

Ethereum Scaling Upgrade

Now, like PYUSD, this wouldn’t be a direct impact on Bitcoin. But, when it comes to crypto, a rising tide lifts all ships and Ethereum is pretty darn close.

This update is focused on the Arbitrum network, which has been steadily growing in traction.

This scaling upgrade, which is technically called EIP-4844 but commonly referred to as “proto-Danksharding” will reduce Ethereum fees and hopefully shore up and increase transactions throughout the network.

Optimistically, this update won’t just skyrocket the price of ARB tokens, but an increased focus on Ethereum could be just the adrenaline boost that Bitcoin needs to raise itself out of this slump.

Look to the Fed

In examining Bitcoin’s underwhelming performance, one analyst, Tony Sycamore of IG Australia, told Cointelegraph to examine the Fed.

“For Bitcoin specifically, it will be looking towards US stock markets for signs of stabilization after the Nasdaq posted its second consecutive losing week and towards the interest rate market, given that yields have closed higher in each of the last four weeks.”

Though the minutes of the last Fed Open Market Committee meeting were made available on August 16, it was not the spark needed to jumpstart Bitcoin.

The Fed is currently, very publicly divided on whether more Interest Rate Hikes are needed. But as always, when inflation goes up, expect a renewed interest in Bitcoin for its well-deserved reputation as an inflation hedge.

Market-Wide Low Volatility

Now, of the potential catalysts, this one is simultaneously the most macro and the most defeatist.

The entire cryptocurrency market is currently experiencing a record low in trading volatility.

If the problem is crypto-wide, then it may not be a Bitcoin problem at all. Rather, Bitcoin’s drop is the symptom of a far larger issue.

This means that the entire crypto market is in trouble. Hopefully, crypto can pull itself out of this tailspin.

But as much as we can attempt to understand the waves, the market is ultimately unknowable at its core. As Becky Sarwate, head of communications and brand at CEX.io told Cointelegraph:

“While it can be tempting to look for familiar patterns, it’s important to remember that market conditions are always in flux and can not be relied upon to replicate.”

So while the future is unknowable, we still hope that after reading through this list, you feel at least a little better about Bitcoin’s chances.

When you’re down in the dumps, a therapist, friend, or concerned parent is going to offer platitudes like “It gets better” or “You just have to keep trying.”

But here we can point to five, concrete macro-factors that will get Bitcoin out of the dark and headed back towards the light. Not bad, eh?

But if this doesn’t get Bitcoin out of its slump, we may have to buy it one of those UV lights for seasonal depression. And if you’ve ever considered purchasing one of these, you should know their brightness does not guarantee warmth.

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☕️ Our Take:

Meme of the Day

His seemingly infinite memes remain immortal. 👼 🙏

Crypto 101

Rollups: These are layer-2 solutions that bundle data together and make it available off the main chain, the layer-1 solution.

The transaction involving that data is completed off the chain, once completed, it is returned to the layer-1 solution.

The Last Sip

As we mentioned, the EIP-4844 Ethereum update will reduce fees and make transactions easier. This upcoming practice will be referred to as “proto-Danksharding.” Now, if you’d never heard of proto-Danksharding, you might think it means:

3. Taking a hit of a dab pen at a blacklight rave.

2. Making your girlfriend’s crystal collection watch “Prometheus” with you.

1. Anally passing a kidney stone.

Stay Caffeinated,

Coffee & Crypto Team

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DISCLAIMER: None of this is financial advice. This newsletter is strictly educational and is not investment advice or a solicitation to buy or sell any assets or to make any financial decisions. Please be careful and do your own research.